Photoshop Makeover - Before/After Retouch Of Model

Read this WT Sisters (and Brothers) if you think that models in ads and magazines are "real". Think again. This ad from Dove and their Campaign for Real Beauty does a great job of revealing how photos of models and celebrities are unrealistically modified. This is on You Tube. Watch this for :30 seconds. You will be amazed. Go here for the link or paste in the url below into your browser. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHLpRxAmCrw Good job to Dove for this campaign. I am glad to see it. Basically, normal women compare themselves to a standard of unrealistic beauty...that comes from Photoshop.

Hostess Twinkie Truffles

Hostess Twinkie Truffles A recipe for Hostess Twinkie Truffles for a holiday dessert! Here is the wonderfully WT recipe using Hostess Twinkies. Tacky Princess and her holiday baking have inspired me to give you another WT holiday recipe. As we all know, the Hostess line of food products is a white trash kitchen staple. For this reason, I am giving all you WT cooks out there another use for the ever popular TWINKIE. Click the link and enjoy!

Size 12 is Too Big

Here's an example of the insane standards of "beauty". Top picture is the beauty contestant that is "too large" and the BOTTOM picture is the model that was considered to be ideal. This story is a true story from the DAILY MAIL, in Great Britain. Link to this story by clicking on today's title, Size 12 is Too Big. Here's a quick overview for you:

Poured into a gold swimsuit, Make Me A Supermodel winner Jen Hunter looks as if this outfit was custom-made for her.

But the one-piece triggered a furious row about stick-thin models when her rival finalist Marianne Berglund appeared painfully underweight in the same attire.

Jen Hunter, age 24, is a contestant on a British Reality TV show. She's a healthy size 12 and was reduced to tears by judges, who gave her harsh words because she "wasn't taking the exercise and diet program seriously". Can you believe this! If this isn't just a snapshot of how sick and twisted things are....I don't know what is. Talk to me people.

Daily+Mail Jen+Hunter Size+12 Make+Me+A+Supermodel

Welcome to My Trailer Park

Dear WTMs, Sometimes when I write about my white trash life, you might think I am kidding. However, if you look at the snow fort that was left in my front yard----this is the view from the street----you can clearly see that the only thing missing from this picture is the car on the cinder blocks. This is what remains of the front yard snow fort on Monday AM. My girls and neighbors built this fort AND a backyard fort over the weekend. The snow was wet and perfect, they had a blast. Here are two more pics of the fort. http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitetrashmom/ I did not see this masterpiece until Sunday, as it's in the front yard, east side. It's not that our yard is so huge---I am just lazy and didn't go over there. I asked the girls about it and they said that "Dad said we could leave it up". I was horrified for about 10 seconds (what would the neighbors think). Then I remembered the words of my very wise husband: Memories are the most important gifts we can give our girls. My husband is so good at this and has created so many good memories, especially at the holidays for the girls. He is so wise at knowing when it's right to let the "rules" relax and when to stick to them. I am more laid back with the kids overall. But he is the genius that knows when to let them make a mess, helps them make the mess and LOVES to encourage them to do stuff will make awesome memories for the rest of their lives. It is this reason that he really is a better parent than me, although I would never admit this fact to him. During the holiday season, the man puts me to shame, honest to God. I tend to look at the snow and the fact that my good glasses are left outside and I start to get peeved (I know who is going to help them clean it up). But Tim reminds me that especially at holidays, we need to "make the memory". He reminds me that the girls aren't with us all that long and that once they get older, they won't want to do these things. He instantly helps me realize how precious these times are and to let the rules go. I know today's post is so very sappy but I wanted to explain just how wonderful my husband is and I knew you WTMs would get a kick out of the scene in my front yard. Happy Monday!

HBO "Thin" -Real Life is More Painful

Over the Thanksgiving holiday I saw some pals from college. One of my friends lives far away and I get to see her about once a year. My friend had bulimia in college----and still fights that battle, twenty years later. Call me shallow but when I was in college, it was not that big of a deal to be anorexic or bulimic. Nearly everyone I knew was on diet, a lot of people had done the "scarf and barf" method of weight loss prior. WT Campers---I am not saying it was right, I am just telling you the way it WAS. At the sorority ( "Delta Delta Delta-Can I Help You Help You Help You") the bathroom by our chapter room was for "Scarf and Barf". It was widely known and accepted that the chapter room restroom was pretty much just for the sisters that barfed up their food. Insert dorm or sorority---it was pretty common everywhere. There is a point here. The point is that the weight/thin issue has been on my mind a lot lately.

• I have an almost 13-year-old girl who is not "concentration camp" thin----and I have trouble finding her clothes!
• I have an 8 year old that can wear a size SMALL---for Women's t-shirts!

The documentary that is on HBO has brought a lot of this to the forefront and gotten people talking. But when I saw my friend from college...I just have to tell you that it just HURTS ME TO SEE HER STRUGGLE WITH IT STILL. My friend is accomplished. She has a beautiful family. She is a wonderful giving person. If she could only see herself how others see her...she would realize that she's beautiful inside and out. I know she is still struggling with bulimia (even though she tells me she's fine, tells others she is "over it") I can tell BY HER TEETH. Her teeth are discolored and it is one of the telling signs of someone that is throwing up alot. I know that her obsession and illness is going to take her from this world earlier than she should go. Throwing up on a consistent basis is not healthy and this will do her body harm in ways that have not shown up yet. You can't do that kind of damage to the body without harm. I know this is a rant but I am just so sad. I wish things were different. I wish something could be done so that so many women did not feel the pressure to be perfect, thin. Does anyone have any ideas, thoughts, opinions? Help me try to come up with some positive ways to combat this trend. I can't just sit and watch anymore.

HBO+Thin Bulimia Weight+Issues THIN+Documentary

Only a Friend Would Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker

Only a best friend would dress up your child like a hooker. We spent part of the weekend with some of my best friends-----I've known these friends since I was 5. I am now 43. Do the math and you'll come up with years of dysfunction, fun and laughter. One of these BF's is Godmother to my youngest daughter. These two women and their families are considered family by my kids and it was great to see them. There is only one drawback. My friends have no young girls. One BF has a college age daughter. The other BF has a son in 4th grade. Therefore, it is way fun for them to play dress up with "Miss Minnesota", my 8 year old daughter. Miss Minnesota is now the proud owner of a pair of black high heels with a "peek a boo" toe. She wears them 24/7. She tried to wear them yesterday to 5 o'clock mass. I was so proud. Did any of you experience family fun like this? Spill it sisters.

Pug Bowling

Pug Bowling is a great time waster! I am a pug owner and pug addict. But this video clip is toooooo funny, even if you are not a pug addict. Go here to see PUG BOWLING. No pugs were harmed in the making of this clip. Watch entire thing----it's worth it. pug+bowling, pug, animals, dogs, funny, you tube

Pottery Barn versus Reality-Thanksgiving Craft

Dear WTMs, I journey once again into my love/hate relationship with Pottery Barn. Today's "PB vs Reality Moment" is Pottery Barn Kids Thanksgiving Craft. Per the "PBK" website, those zany folks want you to spice up your kid's holiday table with homemade centerpieces! According to "PBK" it helps the children feel involved and gives them something to do! I can't imagine a more stressful way to kick off the holiday than to give children glue and scissors before the meal. White Trash Mom has some questions for the peeps at Pottery Barn Kids regarding the nifty craft idea:

• Who is going to take little Tommy to the ER after Molly pokes him with the scissors?

• If they kids want to be involved, why not involve them in cleaning the guest bathroom before company arrives? Guest bath is currently a Barbie pool so taking the naked Barbies out of the sink would be nice.

• If kids want something to do, why not have them help Mom and Dad with the Thanksgiving meal? Or at least get Uncle Bob a beer from the frig while he watches the football game?

• Glue before a meal? If they eat the glue, they won't eat their dinner.

• What do you suggest when the newly created centerpiece becomes a football?

• My nephew thought it would be funny to make the turkey anatomically correct. Would you like to take a photo of his centerpiece for next year's catalog?

• Do you have any other completely insane suggestions from LALA land?

If you want to read more about the "PBK" craft idea, please click on today's blog entry title. If you can't tell, I think a craft centerpiece created before the meal sounds like a slice of HELL. Please tell me what you think. Am I negative? Wrong? Anyone? Bueller?

White Trash Mom Holiday Shortcut #1

Design Mom has given us a shortcut to having the kids make holiday cards. Design Mom's tip is right here. Besides saving us time and effort, Design Mom has given us another tool in our WTM war with the "Muffia"! Can you imagine how upset the muffia moms will be when you, the WTM, send out your Christmas cards with awesome kid artwork? It just puts me in a holiday mood!

Spam Burrito for Pesky Relatives

Dear WTMs, Are you dreading the holidays more than usual this year? Are you stuck with unwanted house guests (your 2nd cousins, your senile uncle and his 3rd wife)? White Trash Mom has the answer! Make sure these annoying family members don't stay at YOUR HOUSE next year! How, you ask? It's simple. Feed them really BAD food. You don't have to be mean or make your home a pigpen---just have two or three days of really bad chow and they'll be sure to call your SISTER next year! One excellent recipe to drive away the free loading relatives is....the popular Spam Breakfast Burrito. YUM! More recipes coming as we count down to Thanksgiving...WT style!

                          SPAM BREAKFAST BURRITOS
 
Recipe By     :
Serving Size  : 6    Preparation Time :0:00
Categories    : Main Dish                        Breakfast

  Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
--------  ------------  --------------------------------
   1       cn           SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
                        -(12 oz)
   4                    Eggs
   2       tb           Milk
   1       tb           Butter or margarine
   6                    Flour tortillas (6")
   1       c            Shredded Cheddar cheese,
                        -divided
   1       c            Shredded Monterey Jack
                        -cheese, divided
                        CHI-CHI's Salsa to Taco
                        -Sauce

  Heat oven to 400'F. In bowl, beat together SPAM, eggs,
  and milk. Melt butter in large skillet; add egg
  mixture. Cook, stirring, to desired doneness. Fill
  each tortilla with SPAM mixture and half of cheeses.
  Roll burrito; place seam side down on 12x8" baking
  dish. Sprinkle remaining cheese over top of burritos.
  Bake 5-10 minutes of until cheese is melted. Serve
  with salsa.

Pottery Barn Versus Reality During the Holidays

Dear WTMs, I pick on Pottery Barn. I especially pick on PotteryBarnKids. I am a hypocrite that I rant about PB & "PBK" since I also covet their products. There is a point here. The point, dear WT Readers is that while I want their stuff and I am a card carrying member of the PB customer club, PotteryBarn and Pottery Barn Kids represent the retail side of the PERFECTION MYTH. The big lie. You know what I am talking about. The lie that all of us modern women got spoon fed during the "women's lib" years...that you can "have it all" AND that you can have it all while you:

• make buckets of money
• are concentration camp THIN
• bake homemade bread
• design craft projects for your kids
• speak Mandarin Chinese fluently
• romp like a sex kitten with your man

I don't blame Pottery Barn for the big lie. However, I would like to point out the following Pottery Barn Versus Reality Holiday Moment. Today's "PB vs Reality Moment" is the picture of the PBK perfect Thanksgiving table for the kids. Picture from PBK shows the children laughing and playing at the festive and fun decorated table for the children (all the perfect adults are in the other room, with Norman Rockwell). It's perfect, it's wonderful...it's a complete and insane fantasy. Here is why it's a fantasy:

• None of the children are picking their noses
• The children are not squabbling
• All kids have clean, non stained clothing
• None of the older kids are trying to sample Uncle Jack's "toddy"
• There is no dog nearby getting fed under the table
• No children are whining
• No one is sick (there is always a sick one, every holiday)
• And finally---the plates and utensils actually match.

Anyone? Bueller? What am I missing? Chime in! thanksgiving PotteryBarn whitetrashmom

Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse

Dear WTMs, Mondays stink. Here is a really stupid website that might bring a smile to your Monday. Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse.

Watch Out Pet Food Pranksters!

Dear WTMs, Read in the news about a guy that sued for $2.7 million because someone tricked him and served him dog food as a prank. While I am not trying to take away from this man's situation (sounded like more than just a prank), this $2.7 million dollar verdict strikes FEAR into my WT heart because of all of the MEOW MIX incidents that I have masterminded and been a part of over the years. Confession time. It's pretty clear I am a little immature since I named my blog White Trash Mom. But what you don't know is that I have, on many occasions, tricked people into eating MEOW MIX by mixing it with CHEX mix...As a JOKE, a prank, a lark. Starting in childhood, we would regularly do this to my older brother and his friends. Fast forward to college and adult life----this practice continued even into my late 30's! I had a client that I worked with for many years, that was almost as immature as I was. Therefore, we would regularly prank eat other, with the "Meow Mix-Chex Mix" as one of my standards. This means that NOT counting my brother (due to the sister-brother NO SUE clause) that I could be sued by a number of my brother's friends, various sorority sisters, friends and even my former client. Clearly I need to start raising my legal fund NOW. Are there any other PET FOOD PRANKSTERS out there? Confess now and let's help each other raise money for legal aid.

Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator

Dear WTMs, I know it's far too early for WTMs to be thinking about holiday cards. However, I found this on DIGG----The Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator. An excellent way to waste time and laugh. And not too far from the truth---am I right? Enjoy my sisters in WT! Go here to waste time!

Trust but Verify-Kid Sick Days

Dear WTMs, As I have mentioned before, the idea of "Trust but Verify" is a big part of my parenting philosophy. The phrase "Trust but Verify" was used by The Gipper, President Ronald Reagan, when talking about the evil Red empire of the Soviet Union. President Reagan said that he TRUSTED them...But he did not trust blindly. He checked up on them. I find this phrase helpful in parenting. As a youngest child of the family, I was able to weasel out of many things. As a former "weasel" child, I am a natural skeptic when it comes to sick days for my kids. My younger daughter is home sick today. She was up and down last night with an upset stomach and a bad headache. Gave her kid Tylenol and let her sleep on the couch downstairs. However, this AM, I tried to "break" her. Sure, she said she was sick----but I applied just a little pressure to the situation to see if it was a scam. Naturally, we lost the thermometer (again) so I could not check the fever. Dig if you will, my version of "Trust but Verify": "Trust but Verify" Sick Day Treatment: WTM: So...You're sick today? You don't feel any better this morning? Miss Minnesota/Margarita: Yup. WTM: You know if you miss school today, you can't go to SusieQ's house Tuesday for that playdate? (Please note: I am not that harsh---this is a ploy to see just how sick she is) Miss Minnesota/Margarita: I know, I don't care. WTM: And you know you are going to have to stay in your room most of the day, no TV. (Note: As if! Again, this is a tool to get the truth) Miss Minnesota/Margarita: Yup. Usually by the second or third question, the girls will either "break" and confess that they are not that sick OR if they don't, I can see that they really ARE sick. This ends the interrogation. What do you guys do to determine "sick day health"? Would love some tips from other WTMs. They are smaller and younger and smarter than us.

Duct Tape as a Babysitter?

Dear WTMs, Another story about a great American mother.

Quizlaw brought a news story to my attention. Quizlaw is a great blog, if you don't read it.

The story-There was a recent Florida incident where a mom used DUCT TAPE her kids together while she went to work. Another case study for mothers that should not have kids. Luckily, neighbors heard the crying children and called the police. You can read the story of this mother of the year by clicking on today's title "Duct Tape Babysitting".

The incident is scary and horrid enough...but my peeps at Quizlaw (always twisted) began offering the QUIZ LAW BRAND BABYSITTING TAPE.

I am not laughing at child abuse. But the "duct tape as a babysitter" is so wrong...and so stupid that it is a ripe subject for dark humor. Anyone? Bueller? And is it me or do more of these incidents seem to happen in Florida?

The Mommy Blog-Melinda Roberts

Dear WTMs, One of our own is a published book author! Melinda Roberts, who writes THE MOMMY BLOG, has a new book out! Book is called MOMMY CONFIDENTIAL: Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood. Melinda was really helpful when I decided I wanted to write a "WTM" book. You can read more about the book, go to an online store to purchase it HERE. The last email I got from her, she said that AMAZON.com was going to start selling MOMMY CONFIDENTIAL in November. I just wanted to do a post about my friend as I think it's great. Check out the book and her blog!

New Fun Friends at the New School!

Dear WTMs, Are you with me on the magnet? I have some excellent news from my daughter's new school. She is doing great, making friends and is very happy. Let's chalk one up for the home team. I have even found some potential mom friends that I think I could hang with! It's not like that is a priority in picking a school but it does help to have some buddies so that I can get the lay of the land at the new school AND it's just nice to have friends. I don't dare say it...don't dare hope...but I think they could even be...WHITE TRASH MOMs. I don't want to get all psyched up yet. It's still early and I am still pretending that I am relatively normal. CLEARLY have not spilled the beans on the WTM blog yet. Will keep you updated.

Catholic Holy Day-All Saints Day

Dear WTMs, I am Catholic and today is a Holy Day (All Saints Day). In my own WT way, I am being a good Catholic by sharing with you a recent Catholic joke I received from one of my best friends. You Catholics will enjoy this one: SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A Detroit Red Wing Hockey GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THEIR VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH , THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO , THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL . THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE." Those of you who had any contact with nuns during your school years KNOW just how true to life this joke is. Clearly those Red Wings fans were NOT Catholic! Happy All Saints Day.

Pink Flamingo Crisis

Happy Halloween. Or Happy HELL-O-WEEN as I like to say. Only a few more hours until our kids will be high on so much pure sugar they will take a week to "detox". WTMs, there is a WT crisis going on that you may or may not be aware of. I am talking about...the Pink Flamingo crisis.

On this day of Halloween, we all need to take a moment and reflect on the closing of the company that produced the ORIGINAL plastic pink flamingo. The pink flamingo, a WT cultural icon beloved by shallow and tacky Americans everywhere...is on it's way to extinction. I don't need to tell my WT readers what a serious matter this is.

Here is the story about the pink flamingo crisis, from one of my favorite websites, IMPROBABLE.com.

Read the info at Improbable.com but to sumarize: Union Products Inc., the original manufacturer of the plastic pink flamingo, will close its doors by Nov. 1, according to the company’s president.

It's a dark day in WT America my friends. Pop open a cold one right now in your trailer and remember the good times.

Dear Abby vs White Trash Mom

Good Afternoon to all the WTMs:

Today I read DEAR ABBY. Here is one of the letters with her reply. After you read her reply, please read White Trash Mom's reply. I am confident that you guys will agree with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.

The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."

My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"

What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO

Here is the reply from DEAR ABBY:

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.

There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.

Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.

DEAR ABBY has been giving good advice for years. I can't say that her advice is not good. However, White Trash Mom, has a little different, a more DIRECT approach communicating with "Anxious Dad" about his creepy dad and mom.

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Quit being a wuss! Your dad and mom, while I am sure they don't realize it, are being totally creepy. Okay---I am being NICE when I say that they don't realize it. They probably DO REALIZE it and they don't care! People that say things like "Children Don't HAVE Boundaries" make me break into hives.

I question whether or not you have explored all the "issues" that you have with your dad, if he comes up and GRABS YOU and you don't feel comfortable----and you're a grown man. Think of how bad it makes your little girl feel!

Get a backbone for God's sakes! If it creeps you out-----it has to really upset your daughter! I understand you don't want to create conflict but the creepy parents you have are acting like bullies-----and bullies respond ONLY to force. I understand that things change with generations but they don't respect you or your family. Protect your daughter.

Muffia Headquarters-DISCOVERED!

Dear WTMs, I now know the location of "the muffia" headquarters. The evil ones operate at a small, out-of-the-way grocery store and deli, near my favorite liquor store. Read on for details....if you dare. I went to my favorite liquor store today to stock up on my best friend, SENOR PATRON. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's been a MONDAY. I took a proactive approach and decided to go to the liquor store early in the week. Monday, after all, is close to the weekend. If you look at it from a certain point of view. My favorite liquor store is not that close to my house BUT they are nice and most important....they take checks. A key factor when dealing with a WT shopper like me. After writing a sizable check for SENOR PATRON and other "friends", I decide to dash in to a nearby grocery store. It's not my usual grocery...this store is a little smaller, more "exclusive" than the coupon palace that I usually frequent. When I entered the store....my WTM instincts went into high gear. I sensed...DANGER. Despite the fact that I had showered AND groomed today, the muffia immediately knew that someone from the outside, someone NOT from the mothership, had invaded their territory. I even looked a bit "muffy-esqe" today in my pants, shirt and sweater. But all the same, the evil ones knew that I was a WTM. My smart ass smirk and really brown hair "roots" were a dead giveaway. As I quickly walked through the store, grabbing my ding dongs and fruit roll ups, the muffia silently watched me. Unlike most of them, I actually had to be somewhere. So I raced down the aisles, at lighting speed and then I noticed....I swear to GOD I am not kidding...one of the "Queens" was following me. Really. Queen Buffy was by far the loudest of the crew and I knew she was one of the leaders because only a leader could dress that badly! I could hear her from two aisles over discussing the "hellish remodel" that she currently has going on-----and she was wearing a paint spattered shirt(multi-color coordinated) and sweats to prove how DIFFICULT her remodeling was going. Anyway---"QB" followed me, I kid you not, for over two aisles. She started by the frozen foods and was on my ass all the way to the coffee and bread section. As I was in the check line and I could see the door, I decided to get a little SASSY. I spoke directly to the muffia mom and her toddlers in front of me. WTM: Your daughter is really sweet. How old is she? MUFFIA MOM AT CHECKOUT: (Has "deer in the headlights" look on her face, panics and looks around ) Chesterfield is 18 months. Barley is 3 years. WTM: She'll be grown up and living with her boyfriend Steve in his conversion van before you know it. HAVE NICE DAY!

If Shopping is a Disease, I'm Terminal.

Dear WTMs, Apparently compulsive shopping is more common than anxiety or depression, according to a new study released by doctors at Stanford University. The study says that 1 in 20 adults suffer from an addiction to shopping. There are some medical professionals that want to classify shopping addiction as a true medical disorder----right up there with Bi-Polar Depression! Yippee! Good news for the white trash credit card chargers (like me)! The cherry on the cake of this NEWS story about "shopping addiction" comes from one of the best ever sources for American life, "NEWS OF THE WEIRD".

When Lucille Schenk finally sought help for compulsively buying jewelry, New York psychologist April Lane Benson advised her to have a "conversation" with the jewelry before she made her next purchase, as a way to put some distance between herself and her compulsion. "I would say, ‘You are so beautiful, I can’t live without you; I love the way you sparkle,’" recalled Schenk, 62, in an interview. "The jewelry would say back, ‘You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.’ I would say, ‘I do need you. I can’t possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can’t afford a penny more.’"

There is really nothing to say in response, is there? I have an idea for Ms. Schenk. Next time she has an urge to purchase jewelry, she could just pay ME the money and I COULD TALK TO HER (instead of the jewelry).

White Trash Mom Flunks Out

Dear WTMs, If I had to go back to 7th grade and if I had to take 7th grade math-----I would flunk out. Completely. My 7th grader, at her great new school, gets hellacious math homework. I am not only NOT a HELP to my daughter with her 7th grade math homework questions-----my advice actually caused her to miss several questions on a test. I am 43...and I can't do 7th grade math. This should not be a surprise since I totally stink at math and if not for Microsoft Excel® and a calculator...I would pretty much be locked out of a job. But this year, it's not like I can even look up the concept and help her with the problem she's stuck on. Now I look up stuff and I misunderstand it---and I tell her to do it incorrectly. HELP! OMG, I feel so very stupid. I really do. Last night there was some hellish math AND then some science FORMULAS. By her bedtime, I needed a Tylenol PM. My head was pounding. Give me your wisdom, WT sisters and brothers. I need to hear some good news. I need to hear that I am not the only one that would actually flunk 7th grade.

You Can't Fix Stupid

Dear WTMs, Per one of my favorite blogs, CeleBITCHY, an update on Britney's husband, K-Fed: Here’s K-Fed partying it up in Vegas. As D-Listed points out, that stupid custom bling looks like a Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie. Page Six reports that philandering K-Fed, who is currently partying with random women while his wife tends to their one year-old and newborn baby. The gurus at CeleBITCHY go on to tell us that K-FED will make about $10 million bucks if he and Brit split. I feel the need to write Britney a letter from her mentor, WT Mom. Stay tuned.

Debby and her monkey can't eat at Crackerbarrel

In September, following complaints of diners, the health department in Springfield, Mo., notified restaurants that Debby Rose's "assistance monkey" could not be permitted to dine with her! The harsh health department officials said that Debby's "assistance monkey" could NOT sit next to her in a high chair at local restaurants,even though Rose said she suffers from a disabling social phobia!

Apparently, Debby's phobia is only helped if she can have "Richard" with her. "Richard", who is a bonnet macaque monkey, is the only reason Debby can go out to Cracker Barrel or whatever other restaurant she chooses. Monkeys are generally permitted under the Americans with Disabilities Act if they perform certain tasks, as capuchin monkeys have been trained to fetch groceries from shelves for wheelchair-using patrons. However, animals that provide only emotional support fall into a gray area, according to a U.S. Justice Department spokesperson quoted by the Springfield News-Leader. [ABC News-AP, 9-16-06]

Two questions: WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS NAMED DEBBY? Why in the name of God did the restaurants allow DEBBY to bring in a flea ridden monkey into their establishments? EW!

Plain Jane Mom

Dear WTMs, Found another cool blog. PLAIN JANE MOM. Check out her recent entry about the idiot parents that park in front of the fire hydrant at school drop-off.

ANOTHER day where some mom parks in front of the fire hydrant at preschool. Good lord people, don’t you get it? I don’t want my kids on fire. If you want that for your kids, please take care of it on your own time.

And then she gets all mad when I very politely mention that she’s in front of the hydrant. In fact, I’ve gotten quite good at this little spiel because I do it about once a month. And that is just the folks who do this when I happen to be there.

Sigh, can you guess how popular I am at this school?

Get this gal a margarita with my best friend, SENOR PATRON! Go here to check out Plain Jane Mom.

WTM Blog Updates

I know just enough web stuff to be dangerous. In my attempts to make the blog more readable, I put the "Official" WTM blogroll on another page. I also have a "HALL OF FAME" (or in the case of those not happy with WTM love...a hall of SHAME). See links to these pages in the sidebar. I also plan to add other pages but I am sure that I will procrastinate so I dare not give details. BTW-does anyone know how to change the COLOR of the font in the SIDEBAR on blogger? I can't do it. If you do, will you please let me know? If you can speak in small words it will help. Thanks and will chat later. Note-If you blog is missing from the "official" blog roll, please know it is operator error and will be back up soon. If it's not back up soon, please let me know. Not that many people consider it an honor to be on WTM's blogroll so if you one of the few, the proud, the brave---let me know!

White Trash Mom Troop Beverly Hills Camp Out Part Two

Dear WTMs, The following conversation sums up the Girl Scout camping trip experience. Dig if you will, the picture. It's the morning after the campout. Girls are eating breakfast. I am standing there with my daughter and some of her tent mates. Tent Mate 1-Did you HEAR that screeching animal light night? Tent Mate 2-It was so creepy! Tent Mate 1-I think it was a racoon or something...being attacked. WTM's daughter -No guys----THAT was my mom. SFX-All 12 and 13 year old campers start LAUGHING hysterically. Reason for the "screaminglikeananimalinpain sound"? There was a moth in my tent. It was a big moth! My daughter was a pretty good sport about what a weenie I was, since it created such an entertainment factor for her friends.

White Trash Mom Troop Beverly Hills Camp Out

Dear WTMs, This might be the last post you have from me, since I am going camping this weekend with the Girl Scouts. My older girl is a Cadette Scout and now my younger girl, Miss Minnesota/Margarita is a Brownie. I was a troop leader for the Scouts, along with some of my best buddy WTMs, when my older girl was in 1st grade. When I told my husband that I signed up to be a troop leader, his snarky reply was: What are you going to do for an activity? Take them shoe shopping at Nordstroms? Naturally, my husband was, in fact right on target and so my buddies and I gladly gave up our leadership roles to a wonderful woman after just one year of being in charge. She has been the troop leader since. Bottom line is this: I owe her one as she bailed me out (because stuff like Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts is FOR LIFE. It is very hard to find volunteers because it takes up a lot of time). Fast forward, the girls are in 7th grade. Wonderful scout leader calls me the other night. She needs warm bodies to camp out. In a tent. On the ground. With a bunch of pre-teens. White Trash Mom's idea of camping....is staying somewhere with no room service. Lame but true. I say yes. I tell her that I don't know how much practical help I will be-----but I am in. However, being the resourceful leader, she doesn't tell me that my best friend, Senor Patron, cannot come to the camp out until AFTER I commit. The woman is shrewd! However, it is too late to back out, despite the ban on alcohol for adults, so hopefully I will post when I return.

ADDDDDDDD & White Trash Mom

Dear WTMs, I am sure it is no surprise that I am a product of the 60's and 70's and I have major "ADD". My career has been spent in advertising, where ADD is kind of a prerequiste for the industry (being child like and hyper makes you a lot of money). Sorry if this is too much information but there is a point here. I will get to it, I promise. So...two years ago when my 12 year old was at the old school where she was getting bullied to a pulp....the school suggested I take the child to a doctor to check for "ADD" since she seemed very "distracted" in class. Naturally, being the obedient mother, I take the child to the doctor to see if she has "ADD". We go to the shrink doctor and she talks to my daughter for a bit and then talks to me. My daughter is fine. She probably has mild ADD but the reason she's "distracted" at school is due to the fact she is getting BULLIED daily. After giving me the lowdown on my daughter, the doctor pauses and says: Have YOU ever been tested for "ADD"? The bottom line of the visit was that my daughter was relatively fine-----however she thought I could benefit from some ADDERALL, the ADD medication! THAT my friends, is the background for the story I am FINALLY telling you today. Whew. So at 43, along with 11 year old boys everywhere, white trash mom takes AdderallXR. It is really a godsend and has helped me be a better person, better wife and better mom by helping me FOCUS more. Okay----but the hardest part of taking the medication is going to the pharmacy to get the refills. What I am about to tell you I SWEAR is a true story. I am not embellishing at all (okay maybe a little). Dig if you will, the picture: White Trash Mom in jeans and clean shirt. At pharmacy waiting for ADD script to be filled. Nice blue haired ladies are chatting with me while we wait. I am nice to them, polite----just like the grandaughter or whatever. The nice old ladies were very sweet and we were having a love fest while we waited for our drugs, talking about Fall Mums. Then the pharmacist calls me over IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE and says: The insurance company will only pay for HALF of your prescription....they said that the drug is supposed to be for kids, not adults. You are taking more than they recommend for a child. The nice blue haired ladies immediately FLEW away from me, over the other side of the pick up counter. It was like I was TED BUNDY or some human form equally as gross! I tell the big mouth pharmacist in a normal voice that the she needs to call my doctor so that the doc can CALL insurance company. I tell the pharmacist I will be back shortly to pick up my "crack" and I slink out of the store....feeling like I did something wrong. I really don't care about the fact that a prescription can help me in my daily life. I am way over that. I just get bummed out that I get treated like a "crack" addict for taking a FDA approved drug that hurts no one and has made my life a better place to live! It is pretty funny, in a sick kind of way, so I had to share.

A Backpack is NOT a Weapon

Dear WTMs, Please go to one of my favorite songs in order to flashback to my day:

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa. They're coming to take me away, ho ho, he he, ha ha, To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time And I'll be happy to see those nice young Men in their clean white coats and They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!

The song listed above (with link included) kind of sums up my day. I know are of you are familiar with the kind of day that STARTS out with the words:

"A BACKPACK IS NOT A WEAPON!"

If you are a mom (or a dad) you've had days like today. It's in the manual. There is no need to relive the day-from-hell. I just wanted to post the appropriate "Song of the Day" with a few choice words, for those that need a reminder why birth control is sometimes a good idea. Dig if you will, sisters in WT, some of the words that ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH TODAY: "A BACKPACK IS NOT A WEAPON!" "Let's just drive over and talk to Father Kent. You can explain to HIM why you think it is so COOL to do the sign of the cross BACKWARDS" "A BARETTE IS NOT A WEAPON!" "If I had to be either Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears, I would be neither" "A PUG IS NOT A WEAPON!" I don' t need to go on. Let's just say that Monday happened on Tuesday today at WTM's house. Let's hope Wednesday is more like Friday. Or I better get a Senor Patron IV.

Bad WTM This Week, Good School News

Dear WTMs, Sorry for the lack of blog posts this week. I found a school for my daughter and am very excited. The good WTM karma and prayers really worked because we found great school that is a perfect mix of structure, technology with a great principal and teaching staff. It's 3 minutes from our house and she can go there for 7th and 8th grade. We are so excited and better still...SHE is so excited. Will be back in snarky form next week with lots of reports from the field. Thanks again my WTMs for all the good stuff that came our way. I know it helped.

Love that Deep Fried Coca Cola!

One of my favorite new blogs is AGENT BED HEAD . Agent Bedhead has given me inspiration today and I just had to share with the WTMs! Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, America invents something even more...WHITE TRASH. Read AGENT BED HEAD's news from the White Trash front:

There really isn’t anywhere to go from here. Using a lethal combination of American know-how, a perverse imagination, and appallingly poor culinary sensibilities, Abel Gonzalez, Jr. has invented the laser-guided, heat-seeking nuclear stealth missile of junk food—deep-fried Coca-Cola.

Granted, I am no fan of junk food, although I’m pretty live-and-let-live when it comes to other people’s preferences. But this sounds like revolting overkill, like topping off your bowlful of Lucky Charms with a handful of Gummi Worms. On the bright side, if you strapped down Nicole Richie and force-fed her a couple of these monstrosities, she’d probably look like John Travolta as he continues to come to terms with his inner who-knows-what.

Thank you AGENT BED HEAD for finding just another example of why most of America is overweight. Grab a Deep Fried Coke and throw in some pork rinds and some funnel cakes! YUM!

Super Nanny Marathon

Dear WTMs, Tonight I am watching the SUPER NANNY marathon that I tivo'ed on Sunday. I don't know if you have watched SUPER NANNY but I L-O-V-E the show. I'm sure SUPER NANNY could do some work in the WTM HH at times, since I am far from the perfect mother. However, some of the mom and dads that SUPER NANNY works with make Britney and K-Fed look like model parents! OMG! Some of the parents are complete and total idiots. REALLY. The idiot parents have kids that "Damien" from THE OMEN would be afraid of! Example: The four year old girl that BITES, HITS, KICKS the mom. When she is trying to get her ready for school. The mom just cries that she "just doesn't know what to do". She doesn't know what to DO?? Here is a hint: If you can't control a 4 year old enough to get dressed, you might as well go and buy the child a conversion van and some pot TODAY. Because in 10 years, that 4 year old will be 14...and living in the conversion van with "Steve" her 24 year old boyfriend. After she dropped out of middle school. EW! Example: The family that can't control a five year old because he runs outside the front door, out into the traffic! The clueless parents just shake their heads because the 5 year old just "doesn't listen". WTM is no SUPER NANNY but I will tell you this: Try opening up a can of WHUPASS and see if that doesn't help. In the words of my wonderful Catholic neighbor, Martha: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH! My kids have had their share of tantrums and we're not a model family by any stretch of the imagination. But some of those people on SUPER NANNY should NOT BE ALLOWED to breed! It's so bad...but so very good. That's why I am watching it. Ladies? Anyone? Are you SUPER NANNY fans?