Is Your Husband an Alien?

Dear WTMs, More scientific data from one of my favorite tabloids, Weekly World News. A recent story broke the news that as many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States. "As many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form," says Dr. James Kune, a physicist and former government UFO expert. "My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one." Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 years and uncovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as humans. One of the most surprising findings in Kune's research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called 'seven-year itch' that often marks the end of human-to-human marriage. Dr. Kune has several signs that point to your spouse being an alien: Alien husbands love to fix things around the house -- and actually repair what's broken instead of making it worse. "This is obviously a function of their highly developed mechanical and scientific skills," Dr. Kune says. "They usually have every high-tech power tool they can get their hands on, and keep it all compulsively organized." Alien husbands do not use the TV remote to "surf" at lightning speed through channels, but stop at each program to absorb the information before moving on. Alien husbands are energized and stimulated by physical contact with their wife. They often initiate long conversations after a lovemaking session, in order to better understand the experience. Alien husbands will ask for directions when they're lost -- sometimes. "A significant number are just as stubborn about it as human men," Dr. Kune says. "I suspect that a lot of aliens are on this planet only because they couldn't find their way to their planned destination."

Birth of a Saleswoman-WTM Style

School Fundraiser is going on at my 8 year olds school. As I have mentioned, she is an excellent but sometimes ruthless saleswoman. Her early training has given her an edge. I blame myself for her early training due to the fact that I had to travel one summer all over the U.S. due to a client weekend event promotion. Naturally I took them with me and they became excellent at selling tires to unsuspecting consumers. The CMO of the company wanted to hire them at ages 4 and 8. I blame myself for her early start but she does have the "sales" gene in her due to MY dad. But it's scary----dig if you will, the picture: Miss Minnesota/Margarita on the way to school this AM: Those neighbors just got the house painted AGAIN! Geez, Mom, they have been doing a TON of work to that house. You know, if they can afford all that work, they can sure afford to buy some stuff from ME for my fundraiser! Her comment is scary on a number of levels. Let's examine: 1)Obviously she has heard me talk (or bitch) about how expensive it is to do home improvements. 2)Her "Nosy Bula" nosy neighbor gene has matured and is healthy. I am this way too. Call it curious or call it NOSY---she's got it. 3)Her drive to sell stuff for material reward is quite developed. Again, this streak is from my side of the family. My husband is extremely hardworking but he is not as driven by the almighty dollar. My side of the family goes like this: Dad grew up VERY poor, worked very hard and did well for our family. My siblings and I were the first ones in his family to go to college. My dad was a small business owner and could sell snow to Eskimos. My sales skills pale in comparison BUT I have some of his skills. Miss Minnesota/Margarita could be the best one yet. Scary but once again, it's the mother's fault. God help the neighbors as she desends upon them this weekend!

Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life

Dear WTMs, The title to today's blog entry is actually the title of a Country and Western song from Bobby Bare. My brother used to SING "Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life" to me to annoy me when I was growing up. Since I was a "C&W" music lover and he was a big brother, he used any and all means necessary to tease me. Now that the explanation is out of the way...I am once again blogging about the brink of the teen years. Today's incident with my "teen-to-be" reminded me of the toddler years...When this child wore nothing but red cowboy boots, a worn out "Lion King" shirt and her pj bottoms. I am not kidding when I tell you she wore NOTHING but the boots/shirt/pj fashion combo...For a month. I have mostly blocked out the toddler years for both my kids but today I had a "flashback" with my daughter. TTB (teen-to-be) is getting ready for school. She puts on a shirt she created for Girl Scout camp. Keep in mind we just went shopping and purchased some nice clothes, some "cool" clothes for her since she spent the summer in tennis shorts and a bathing suit. So she just got new clothes (which SHE even picked out). I mention to her (very nicely) that perhaps she should wear one of her new shirts. You would have thought I locked her in a closet and beat her with wire hangers! She was NOT snotty (thank God) but she seriously looked like I had slapped her. It was like I told her that we changed our minds and were dropping her off at the orphanage today. I quickly changed tactics. I decided that since the camp shirt was clean, covered vital body parts and had no bad words on it----to just let it go. Drop kick me, Jesus through the goal posts of life End over end, neither left nor to right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Drop kick me, Jesus through the goal posts of life

Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young

Dear WTMs, My 12 year old is becoming a teenager. I know that Tacky Princess recently blogged about how sad she was that her daughter is going to high school. However, my house I am wondering if my older daughter will live to see high school. Of course, I am JOKING and I love my daughter with all my heart, as I always have. But let me just say that the transition into the teen years are not going to pretty at our house. Perhaps I should talk to my doctor about additional medication for me if the last few weeks are any indication. Sure, I would be in a a coma for the early part of her teen years but I would have teeth. The last few weeks have been spent totally GRINDING my teeth as a way of not completely screaming at this child/pre-teen/teenager to be. I remember 7th and 8th grade. Nearly everyone I know pretty much agrees that middle school or junior high pretty much stinks at one time or another. Unless of course you are the early bloomer who is usually also the MEAN girl..In which case you have a great time until 8th grade and then it's downhill from there. So I remember this age and how awkward it can be. I also remember that this is my daughter who got the spunk taken out of her two years ago and is still kind of raw. She is good and we are proud of her but the scars have NOT healed from the effects of the bullying and so she is extra sensitive. So I know all the facts I have just listed. But there are days..... There are days (for example, yesterday) that I just lose it. Dig if you will the picture: I am speaking to the guy that is fixing the new gutters to that NO MORE WATER leaks into our family room. So I am kind of interested in what he has to say. So there I am, speaking to the person that is going to keep our roof from caving in. The girls start to bicker and then one of them starts crying...All over a MOVIE. I thank the roof saver and calmly shut the door before the wrath of the WTM starts. I really cannot believe how quickly I turned into my MOM...Complete with gritted teeth and pointing fingers. It was quite ugly and I really hate it when I am such an uber-bitch mom. I have no guilt over the usual mom nagging but this was nuclear. I had just had it. The girls eyes popped out of their heads (even the 12 year old, who has seen EVERYTHING) and they were quite good the rest of the night and into today. But it really took it out of me! OMG getting that pissed off (it had been building) really drains me. Is raising a teenage girl really stressful or is it me? I need advice, WTMs. I need advice and another Margarita with my new best friend, Senor Patron.

Best One Liners from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"

Sure it is back to school week and there is alot going on. But a great way to waste time today is to bring all you WTMs some laughs with the best ONE LINERS from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"! I have below some of the best one liners. I got the list over at my favorite movie site, PAJIBA.com. Here is the link to the excellent review by Dustin at Pajiba and after the review there are some great comments. I got the one-liners from the comments and have fun! http://www.pajiba.com/talladega-nights-the-ballad-of-ricky-bobby.htm Best One Liners from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" "Help me, Jesus! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me!" "I can't control my heart rate, I've got a cougar on me!" "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley." "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!" "I hope you both have sons! And they have no legs! Then you can feel my pain, and my hurt!" "DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME RICKY BOBBY" "I'm gonna scissorkick you in the back of the head!" "SHAKE AND BAKE!" "If you ain't first, you're last." "I wanna go fast." "Drive it like you stole it." "If you don't chew Big Red, then f**k you!" "If we wanted wussy kids, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman.'" "Hakuna Matata, Bitches". "Nope, from now on it's, Magic man...and El Diablo." "This sticker is inconvenient and dangerous, but I do like Fig Newtons." "I sent my application in to The Real World, and I'm pretty much putting all of my eggs in to that basket, the MTV basket." "If my MTV career doesn't work out, I was thinking I'd start selling crack. I would be like a laid back crack dealer, though. Nothing too formal. I'd just be like 'Hey boys, how's it going? Want some crack?'"

White Trash Day of Mouring-The Day the King Died

Dear WTMs, I know I don't have to tell you WT fans what today. For those of you that new to the world of WT, today is a day of mouring. Today is the anniversary of the day that THE KING died. August 16th was the day that Elvis, the King of Rock and Roll, died at his home, Graceland. I think it was in 1977 or 1978. Please forgive me for not knowing. I always remember this day because it is also my brother's birthday AND my cousin's birthday. So how does ELVIS affect me, WTM? Because of all the contributions to the culture of WT, of course! Elvis was and is the King of Rock and Roll. I am not kidding about his real and true contributions to music and to pop culture. But if you are a fan of "WT" culture, The King had an even greater impact. Here is a very short list of some of the ways the King impacts our lives, even years after his death: 1. He squeezed himself into the white jumpsuits, despite extra poundage. If you go to any themepark in America, you will see thousands of people squeezing their behinds into spandex shorts that are two sizes too small. 2. He lived in a ranch home that had very bad decorating. Take a look at the McMansions everywhere in America for evidence of the King's impact. 3. He shot out his TV. Except for having to replace it, don't we ALL want to shoot our TV? 4. He started a new industry---think of all the Elvis impersonators that would be out of work had Elvis not lived and died? It would be tragic. 5. Big hair. The hair of the King during the white jumpsuit days was big and had lots of product. I think that says it all. 6. Excess is best. The King super-sized everthing...he at lots of sandwiches, drank lots of booze and took lots of drugs. Modern America is ALL about excess. Too much is not enough. My Catholic guilt is setting in. I really am sad for Elvis and his family at the way he died and the last years of his life. That part I am not kidding about. But you really cannot argue at the impact on our culture (or non-culture, if you read what the rest of the world thinks about America). So, WTMs, think about Elvis today. Make yourself and pb and bananna sandwich, squeeze yourself into some shorts that are too small, crack open a beer or a pop and toast the King. If you click on the title to this entry, you will be taken to a news story about Elvis. Countdown is THREE MORE DAYS until school. If it doesn't start soon, I WILL BE SHOOTING OUT MY TV!

How to Know if You've Been Abducted by Aliens

Dear WTMs,

Feeling blue? Tired? Sure, it could be the fact that your kids need to be in school but it could also be aliens. I got a very excellent and highly scientific article through my subscription at KEEP MEDIA. But it was originally written by reporter Nick Jeffery from one of my favorite publications, WEEKLY WORLD NEWS. If you don't read WEEKLY WORLD NEWS ,you really should start. This newspaper is in my WT Hall of Fame.

Here are some of the HIGHLIGHTS of the article for your reading pleasure. Enjoy! MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.

"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."

But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens? •You're drunk a lot -- Aliens take advantage of boozers because they're used to forgetting huge blocks of time and some really embarrassing stuff, said Dr. Longneck. ETs appreciate drunks because they don't have to waste their memory- wiper ammunition, which is expensive. They pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars.

•You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and you can't remember injecting yourself -- "These are from routine alien blood tests," said the expert.

•During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ you know you were born with -- "A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely," explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.

•You cut yourself and your blood is green -- "This is when they've accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank," explained the expert.

•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.

•You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your

FYI-My favorite part of the article is if you "discover that you are missing limb". Actually if you are a parent, this actually could be kind of a surprise since you never focus on yourself.

Erma Bombeck Guilt Grabbers

Dear WTMs, Since I have been yelling at my kids so much lately, I thought I would share with you some great "guilt grabbers" from the master of motherhood, Erma Bombeck. These "guilt grabbers" are from her book, MOTHERHOOD, THE SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION. I'm going to send all of that food you left on your plate to all the starving Armenians. Do you want mommy to leave the house and never come back? If you sleep with dogs, you get fleas. You are going to drive me to an early grave. Be glad I'm screaming, when I stop... This is the last time I am going to beg. Just keep playing with matches and you'll wet the bed. That's what you get for not listening. I'm only one person. Happy Sunday, WTMs! Talk to you Monday!

Signs the Kids Need to Go Back to School

Dear WTMs, August is a month of conflict inside my WT heart. On one hand, I am sad because it is almost time for the kids to go back to school. On the other hand, if my kids don't get back in school soon, I will need a room at Shady Brook Farm where I will be making potholders all day. It's a tough one. With the girls back in school that means that I am back in school too. The routine starts over and the nightly battles of showers, homework and activities begin. I like the fact that summer is a break from all of that. On the flip side, my kids are starting to show the signs that they are bored and have WAY TOO MUCH free time on their hands: Symptom Number One They look at me with their eyes practically rolling back into their heads and sigh "O-KAY" when I ask them to do something mundane, like take out the trash or fold laundry. Symptom Number Two They are slipping back into the false impression that they need to have 24/7 entertainment provided for them. And they keep asking when we are going on another VACATION! Add to this symptom the fact that "Miss Minnesota/Margarita" child has taken to using the crystal wine glasses for her drinks. AS IF! Symptom Number Three The girls fight about the color of the sky and just about everything else. "The sky is blue" "No it's not...it's sky blue" "I SAID it was blue and that covers all the blue colors including SKY blue" "Does not" "Mom, she is being MEAN...." It usually at this point in their "exchange" that I usually scream something like: "fortheloveofGODwouldyougirlsquitbickering!Doyouknowhowluckyyou areandifyouwanttobeunhappyaboutsomethingIwillgiveyousomething tobeunhappyabout!" Or, something along those lines. After reviewing this post, I realize I am no longer conflicted about the kids going back to school. Thank you for allowing me this therapy. Countdown is ten days until school starts, probably roughly the same for most of you WTMs. Let the games begin! What about you guys? Are you READY?

White Trash Summer Vacation

Found this card in a pile of old pictures today. It is from that awesome line of cards, mikwright, that uses old family pictures for their greeting cards. If you can't read the picture I have the front of the card below: AND DAD SAID: IF I HAVE TO TURN AROUND ONE MORE TIME---WE'RE GOING TO DROP ALL OF YOU OFF AT THE NEXT REST STOP AND GO ON WITHOUT YOU! The inside of the card reads: My summer vacation was fun. We went to the washington monument. My sister got cramps. My brother lost his retainer. Mom cried alot. Dad took us to an orphanage. Just a nice and dysfunctional summer vacation thought from white trash mom. You can find other twisted cards from mikwright by going to www.mikwright.com!

Talladega Nights, The Legend of Ricky Bobby

Dear WTMs, New movie for the WT Hall of Fame. Last night I saw the new Hall of Fame selection, Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby. There are SO MANY one-liners from this movie that will be quoted from this movie! If you like really stupid humor (a la Wedding Crashers) then go out TODAY and see this movie. Naturally, I saw it on opening night but will probably drag my older brother to see it this weekend, as he and I both are incredibly immature when it comes to our humor. If you want to know more about the movie, please click on the title to today's blog entry and you will be taken to THE BEST MOVIE REVIEW SITE IN THE WORLD...Pajiba. Dustin and the peeps at Pajiba pretty much dictate my media habits (except for Project Runway) and their reviews are LOL funny (and rather mean at times but that's the fun of it)! Go to Pajiba.com to read the review or click on the link in the title. If you want a good belly laugh, go directly to the multi-plex, get an $8 slushie and some nachos and have yourself a great time! Let me know what you think.

Ding Dong Recipe & Kid's Sleepovers

Dear WTMs, My healthly food phase lasted almost 48 hours. It is now back to the normal WTM food fare. I have three reasons for posting this Ding Dong recipe today: 1)Due to the many WTM reader requests. 2)Due to the fact I am craving chocolate today. 3)Due to the fact that I no longer care if my kids eat right since they both had sleepovers last night and I want to give both of them away so it really doesn't matter what they eat. Here is the Ding Dong recipe: Ding Dong Dessert Sandwich Items Needed: 1 box Hostess Ding Dongs 4 oz. cream cheese 3/4 c. powdered sugar 6 oz. whipped topping 1 small pkg. white chocolate (chocolate or vanilla) instant pudding 1 ½ c. milk 1 pkg. chocolate chips DIRECTIONS: Mix powdered sugar, whipped topping and cream cheese in a bowl. Add more or less cream cheese, sugar or whipped topping to desired consistency. Set aside in the refrigerator for 10 minutes. In a separate bowl, prepare instant pudding according to directions and place in refrigerator for 5 minutes. Next, slice the Ding Dongs in half and lay them cream-side-up on a plate or serving dish lined with wax paper. Layer pudding in the middle of ½ Ding Dong and spread out to the edge of the snack cake. Add a layer of chocolate chips and a final layer of cream cheese, whipped topping and powdered sugar mixture. Place the other ½ Ding Dong on top of the layers and voila…a Ding Dong sandwich. Add a final layer of cream cheese, whipped topping and powdered sugar mixture with chocolate chips on top of the treat. Repeat. Place in freezer overnight before serving Would I REALLY give my previous lambs away? Of course not. I would naturally try to SELL them on E-Bay. I AM kidding. But seriously, why in the hell do I agree to have sleepovers? Both of the girls, especially my older one, are SO CRANKY the next day that I curse myself every time I let them have a sleepover. Then the horror of the post-sleepover fades (much like the birth experience or the terrible twos) and I let them have another one. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lying to My Children for Health Reasons

Dear WTMs, Due to my WT mothering skills, the girls have some pretty bad eating habits. I do try to have lots of fresh veggies and fruit around to balance out the LUNCHABLES and the fast food meals but I have been inspired lately to actually try to do better. Call it the heat, call it guilt...I don't know why I am on this mission but the good mother genes are kicking in and so I am trying harder to make at least ONE meal a day that is healthy for the little monsters. The problem is that the girls don't LIKE food that is not heavily processed with lots of preservatives. All that MSG laden stuff that makes everything taste so good! Anyway---they are picky so like a good mother I pathologically LIE MY BUTT off when I try to serve them good food. Turkey Burger Meat substituted for Hamburger Meat I can't let them SEE the turkey burger meat or it's the kiss of death. They can't taste the difference but if they see it----it's all over. No dice. Cheese & Velveeta Cheesefood on Veggies My favorite cheesefood, Velveeta, is used on some veggies so they will actually eat them. I figure a little bit of cheesefood and a lot of veggies is better than no cheesefood and no veggies. No Calorie Powder Drink Mixed into Water I tell them it's Koolaid when it is really Crystal Lite. Like the WTM I am, my standards are LOW so I rationalize that it's better than soda pop. I have some other things but since my list is so lame I thought I would ask some of you all what you do to assist your kids in eating better. Things that are easy and don't take a lot of time. Any tips WTMs? Would love to hear them!