Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Church Going with the MUFFIA

Dear WTMs, Took me a few days to recover from the Easter holiday this year. Had more family and church activities than usual and then we went to visit family. But I can't believe that EVERY YEAR during the Easter season....I totally FORGET how much the MUFFIA uses Church as yet another way to prove their superior mothering skills and as a way to showcase just HOW PERFECT their family is. It is like I block it out and yet during the week before Easter, it always comes back to get me. Let's discuss: So I am at a Good Friday service at Church. It is one of those LONG ASS services due to the fact it's Good Friday. I am there because one of my best friends is totally involved with Church stuff and she asked me to help out with some thing afterwards for the "blue hairs" of the parish. Besides, I have been really lame during Lent this year and the great Catholic guilt is a strong motivator. Besides guilt, going to stuff where you get to dish with the older "church ladies" is a total riot. Those gals are a total hoot and there is not one "muffy" to be found because doing stuff with the "blue hairs" is not nearly cool enough. Anyway----so I go to Good Friday service during the day but I don't take the kids with me because I totally DRAG THEM to this really long "Stations of the Cross" service at a downtown church every Good Friday at 3pm and I just think that service is ENOUGH church for a kid on Good Friday. There is a story here, so please read on. Sorry for detail but I had 3 cups of coffee today so I am even more ADDDDD than normal. So I am at the Long Ass Good Friday Service, sitting in the back due to the fact I was running late. I am minding my own business when one of the muffia spots me. I try to kind of act like I don't see her but then had to eventually make eye contact as it is a long ass church service. After the service, I try to dodge her but she is quicker than me and BOUNCES UP TO ME in her very cool $300 casual shabby chic outfit. I am in jeans and a normal t-shirt, crocs. I look okay, not too WT but quite frumpy. Muffia Member: HI! How are YOU? Are YOUR KIDS HERE? Me: No, I did not bring them to this service... Muffia Member: (interrupts me) OOOOOO TOO BAD! My kids NEVER MISS this WONDERFUL GOOD FRIDAY SERVICE! I mean, it's JUST NOT A TRUE EASTER HOLIDAY TO MY FAMILY without this Good Friday service? (Please note I only wish I could show you the facial expressions and let you HEAR her voice as she is pouring her heart out to me...it was quite a performance). Me: Um, yeah.... Muffia Member: (cuts me off AGAIN) So...is it just too hard for your kids to sit through one of these services? I know a LOT of kids have trouble. (Translation: So I guess your kid is not as good as my child due to the fact that your child did not attend this church service....it's okay because not all kids can be perfect like mine. It is due to ME being a perfect mother!) Me: (Finally having enough) WELL MUFFIA, I wanted to come to this service but I did not make the kids come because we always go to the "Stations of the Cross" at the Church in the "Bad" Part of Town on Good Friday. They are with the cousin right now and my family and I are going to that service in a few hours. So I did not make them come with me to this. Besides, I just wanted some time for some REFLECTION. (Translation: Muffy, we actually attend Church services in other parts of our city, even in parts of the city where everyone does not drive a new Lexus to Church. And sometimes I like to come to services alone because, unlike you, I have a soul, and I need time alone to reflect and worship GOD. Because, BTW, that is kind of why you are supposed to go to Mass. To worship). Muffia Member: Oh. How..Nice. Well, I'm OFF! As I watched her bounce away, I was pissed at myself for even explaining where my kids where. Church is NOT a spectator sport for normal people but I forgot about the MUFFIA. Everything is a spectator sport. I am sure all of you have muffia in your place of worship, whatever religion you are. But I get especially ticked off about the muffia when it comes to Mass stuff because that is one area that really should be "out of bounds". But it's not and the whole reason I have to talk nicely to the muffia is because my kids will pay for it if I don't. However, I must note for those of you who are as PETTY as me, the look on her face when I told her I was taking my family to a service in the "bad" part of town was satisfying. You could see her little brain calculating the social climbing value of attending that service. Hope she doesn't remember it for next year. Ladies, hope your Passover, Easter, Long Weekend was good. Hope you were able to have a MUFFIA free holiday. Anyone?


Blogger Acme66 said...

I love it, absolutly love it.

4/18/2006 11:29 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Oh my gosh, I just choked on a cashew. You kill me!!!

4/18/2006 11:51 AM  
Blogger ^starshine said...


4/18/2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger Busy Mom said...

Yep, Muffia alert at an Easter Egg hunt. I even had to break out the capri pants and kitten heels for the first time this season.

4/18/2006 12:30 PM  
Blogger Brandy said...

Would you believe our Homeschool C0-Op is FULL of Muffia! I always feel unprepared.*sight* Hope your Easter was fun!

4/18/2006 3:55 PM  
Blogger Fidget said...

THAT is why we've yet to attend a church regularly.. well that and my penchant for 4 letter words and taking teh lord's name in vain

4/18/2006 6:05 PM  
Blogger AprilMay said...

When the Muffia at my private school (where I am a teacher AND a mother, so I deal with DOUBLE the Muffia) ask me where I go to church, I LIE, which is un-Christian of me, but if I tell them, and then I see them at church, I may think even MORE un-Christian thoughts. While IN the church building, which I think is worse than lying in the parking lot of the school.

4/18/2006 10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny and very on the mark. Especially the bit with the muffia treating this as a spectator sport. Muffia is muffia, catholic or jewish. Seder in our community is treated as such by some of the muffia around here. Oy vey.

4/19/2006 3:49 AM  
Blogger R. Robyn said...

I love the implication that your children must not be as "attentive" as hers. Have mercy MUFFIA! I'm sure she'll bring her posse to the bad part of town next year. Or maybe for Christmas!

4/19/2006 6:03 AM  
Blogger Sharpie said...

LOL! Hilarious! I ignore all of the Muffia at church - don't make eye contact or anything. I really detest the church-goers the most. For my daughter's 1st Communion in a few weeks, they decided to make a quilt (or course they did) - every Mom was to make a square with their child's initials in the center and whatever else to decorate it. WOULD YOU BELIEVE - they had the BALLS to call people back to REDO their square because it was TOO LOUD or didn't match?!?
And if you didn't WANT to re-do it - well they would do it for you correctly...

Obviously they didn't call me as I am out of jail and still able to attend my church.

4/19/2006 7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

o well im goin 2 hell neways

4/19/2006 10:34 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

My sister-in-law is Muffia. She is executive-ceo-blah-blah-blah-cookie-master- leader-extraordinaire of the Girl Scouts and she also makes a gazillion dollars and lives in a $300,000 house! Nope, my Easter wasn't Muffia free. Plus, she has an opinion about everything.

Yes, Church should be the one place that is free from judgement. It is personal. Sorry you had to deal with that on Good Friday. Hugs.

4/19/2006 6:04 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Eeek. One of the reasons I don't go to church. For alot of people, its a place to "see and be seen." And I don't like that at all.

4/19/2006 7:16 PM  
Blogger Plumkrazzee said...

Oh, how I love it when I can insert the "bad part of town" into a conversation with my very own local Muffias. I love to watch them squirm! (our local Muffia is known as the BBB's, standing for Blue Bench Bi**hes. There is a blue bench in front of my son's school where they all congregate, and you practically have to pay dues to be able to sit with them, God help us)

4/20/2006 7:38 AM  
Blogger Janie said...

You've hit this dead on. I'm starting to enjoy your blog. i'm not a MUFFIA, but somewhere a few steps below. I can so relate to this because the muffia moms in my community make me sick. At the last soccer game, they were discussing omg honey? did you bring the suntan lotion? the UV rays are awful today. And, oh. i have a lot to do for easter dinner, but my kids are going to bored wahhhhhhhhhh.
they make me ill. keep blogging sister.

- Sassy

4/20/2006 7:56 AM  
Blogger girlwhohates said...

Awesome Post. Muffia ruin my world!!!

4/24/2006 5:00 PM  

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