Saturday, December 03, 2005

WT Mom Holiday Survival Tip #4

Dear WTMs, The holiday season is in full swing. Your child's class holiday party will be upon you before you know it. Be prepared! As a WT Mom, you may or may NOT be a BAKER. But our next holiday survival tip DOES involve some BAKING or if you are like me, it involves some ONLINE SHOPPING. Our next survival tip is something that is both festive and entertaining. What you will need to do is either bake OR purchase undecorated gingerbread men. I have a link to an online store that you will find if you click on the title of this blog entry if you are, like me, a NON-BAKER. After you bake OR purchase the UNADORNED cookies, take all but 5 of the cookies and decorate the cookies in a very fun and kid friendly way. You know, the usual "red hots for buttons and icing" standard that kids love on their Gingerbread people. Set the cookies aside. After you decorate the KID cookies, find the NASTIEST, MOST OBSCURE ICING RECIPE YOU CAN FIND. I recommend getting online, go for some HEALTH FOOD web site. Find a really "narly" icing recipe and then ice the remaining FIVE cookies with the nasty icing. At the holiday party, give out the kid cookies to all of the kids. Give the remaining cookies out to any MUFFIA members that are helping with the party. Tell them that the cookies and icing are an old family recipe that your grandma brought over from the "old country" and it has been in your family for years. Watch in sick and twisted delight as MUFFY and BITSY choke down the nasty (but not TOXIC) cookies. Tell them you are ALL FULL because you can't get enough of the great holiday tradition. While this is a very immature and stupid tip, it will also make YOU feel all warm inside. Full of the holiday GOODNESS that is the HOLIDAY SEASON! One more reminder---let's not get carried away WTMs! No DRANO© icing or anything like that, okay? Let's have fun but let's be SAFE out there!


Anonymous Mattie said...

Dear WT Mom, I read your blog all the time, and I have to admit it's pretty funny. Unfortunately, I don't think you're terribly white trash. you sound like a normal Middle America mom to me. My mother was a muffy, and admittedly, I'm probably going to grow up to be a muffy (which really isn't too bad, honestly)! I just wanted you to know, that I think you sound like an awesome mom. White trash you are not! Until you've acquired a meth addiction, self-bleached crispy hair, acrylic nails, at least 4 illigitimate kids, and daisy duke denim shorts in winter, you're not white trash.

12/03/2005 9:41 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

WTM, you still have my vote, but a trailer in the family gene pool would help with the street cred. Anyway, what about ex-lax? It is not lethal, in small doses.

12/04/2005 2:32 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Great post. I would use that icing and put those on the ones I had left so I would eat them. Can I give one to my MIL> She just left me a snitty voice mail about how, thanks to us coming to Thanksgiving, she got a cold. If we wouldn't have gone, we'd hear her bitching until the end of TIME! Plus, our little man got double ear infections because she EXPECTED us to be there! GRRRRR!

Sorry to vent.

12/04/2005 5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG - white trash is all about the eye of the beholder. I have an ex-friend who bleaches her own hair at home (nat. color- dk. brown), has fake nails, 2 illegitimate kids, and exclusively shops in the Juniors' section (she's 45.) She thinks she is the classiest thing on the planet and has some very serious vanity issues. The funniest/saddest part is that it is not her appearance that is so white trash - it's her personality. She feeds her kids junk (6-year-old still has a bottle!!), she does the bare minumum at her job, she "dates" married men, posts "thong" pics online (remember, she's 45) and drinks and drives (she accepts money for speaking at high schools about "positive choices"!!!) If that isn't TRASHY, I don't know what is!

12/05/2005 11:02 AM  
Anonymous Nilla said...

LOLalot.... about anonymous' post. I'm still snikering. But, does anyone care about "illigitmate kids" anymore? It truly is in the eye of the beholder, what they find to be trashy.

I think exlax is overdone. If you buy those Viactiv Chocolate Chews or whatever they're called and use THAT- they'll get constipated instead.

12/05/2005 3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi fellow WTM! Another fun one is to buy a jar of those hot pickled veggies, pick out all the carrots, put them in a little dish as if they are simply pickled carrots, then take the little dish to a potluck-style festive event, and then just quietly watch as you eat.

12/06/2005 5:02 PM  
Anonymous jane said...

Can you please send a batch of those "special cookies" to this lady?
She is the poster child for the Muffia!

12/06/2005 6:57 PM  
Anonymous Nilla said...

Hey Jane- I went and looked at that website. It looked okay at first but then when I got to the "explanation" of the rules I wanted to throw up halfway through. There is NO WAY I would even like that lady if we met. To make it even better she has a copyright! FOTFL hahahahahaha. WHAT A SNOB!

12/06/2005 8:18 PM  
Blogger tacky princess said...

Jane, that was unbelievable! What a fun party that must be. Wonder if you get slapped with a splintered ruler if your cookies don't pass inspection?!


12/06/2005 10:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember the part in the movie "ELF" when Will Ferrell flips out when he hears that Santa is coming? When I went to that site about the cookie exchange, THAT'S what went through my head!! I KNOW that lady!! Not personally, of course - I would never WANT to know that lady - but we've all met some version of her. She REALLY needs a BIG dose of laced cookie and/or mystery pickled carrot. Preferably both. Repeatedly. Until she throws up all over her appliqued Christmas sweater. Ho ho ho!

12/07/2005 6:33 AM  

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