WT Mom Holiday Survival Tip #2

Dear WTMs, As discussed, we are going over tips for holiday survival as a WTM. Imagine you are at a school holiday event when suddenly you are surrounded by 2 (or more) members of "the muffia". If there is no graceful way to immediately excuse yourself from the situation, I recommend pulling out HOLIDAY SURVIVAL TIP #2. Holiday Survival Tip #2 If you are backed in a corner with several muffia members, take a deep breath and think of your beautiful children you are doing this for and sweetly ask the muffia members to tell you about their______________. Ask the muffs to tell you about their favorite thing-----it is fairly obvious what that is when you look them-----one "muffy" might be driven totally by status, another might be all about looking perfect and young, yet another "muffy" could be a total workout queen, etc.. Let me give you some conversation icebreakers: "Bitsy, I have always loved how natural your make-up looks. Do you mind if I ask you what brand of skin-care products you use?" "Muffy, I noticed that your Prada bag is an unusual color. Did you get it here in the United States?" "Bambi, your arms are spectacular! How do you stay so in-shape with your busy schedule?" Survival tip number two is really a strategy you can use all year! Because there is nothing that the muffia likes more than talking about themselves (and how much more superior they are). As Bitsy is launching into her twenty minute speech on how she puts on her moisturizer, you can blissfully smile and know that you, a good WTM, are doing your duty as a mom by playing NICE with the other moms.

WT Mom Holiday Survival Tip #1-Trapped by the MUFFIA

The soccer games are over, the PTA mixers are usually so crowded and loud so you don't have to really "mix" with the "MUFFIA" for longer than it takes to SMILE AND WAVE---and then DASH. You are pleased. You think you are safe. THEN THE HOLIDAYS ARRIVE. The holiday season can be a potential minefield for the "WT" mom. There are TONS of holiday gatherings...both at the school and outside school. You may dread it but buck up, because this is what you signed on for when you became a parent of a school-aged child. So like the good WT MOM you are---you make lemon out of the proverbial lemonade. I will give you MY TOP FIVE Holiday survival tips in the next few days. Please add in and share whatever survival tips or stories that YOU have as well. The readers of this blog are HIGHLY creative (ex: Miss Minnesota's Halloween costume) so I look forward to hearing your feedback! White Trash Mom Holiday Survival Tip #1 You are at the 3rd Grade Mother/Daughter Ornament Exchange. It is a Sunday afternoon two weeks before Christmas. Naturally, only a member of the EVIL MUFFIA would schedule such a stupid time for a party. So you and your daughter are at the party and two of the MUFFYS surround you over by the drink table. As you are trying in vain to get the last of the alcoholic egg nog out of the punch bowl, KACKY and NONNY fly in for the kill. "Kack" starts discussing her perfect family and their upcoming trip to Bermuda over the Christmas holiday. Nonny chimes in how she her shopping done in July for Christmas--except for the handmade quilts she sews every year for the homeless. The muffy twins look at you, expecting you to either try to a)top their stories OR b)come up with a story from YOUR life (that will clearly be inferior). Instead of feeding into their evil plan---you use WT Mom Survival Tip #1-BORE THEM TO TEARS WITH A HIGHLY COMPLEX CRAFT STORY. Yes readers----a highly complex and long winded story about the obscure craft that your family does every holiday will do two things. First, it will drive away the muffia in about 3 minutes, as if by magic. Second, it will allow YOU to have control of the situation, rather than trying to play THEIR evil REINDEER games. You will of course have to do your homework, pre-holiday parties but it is SO worth it. One of my favorites is FLOORCLOTHS. Example: Floorcloths have been in American homes since the Revolutionary War. They were quite fashionable and sought after, mostly made in England from sail cloth and painted in traditional designs. You get the picture. Now remember---it has to be something rather obscure but not too "wild'. The point is to get them to GO AWAY---not give them more fodder for their evil plans. I have included a link to a craft online resource in the title of today's blog entry. Look for needle-point/hand loom/spinning items. Making the "no-sew" blankets that you get at JoAnn's fabrics does not count!

Holiday Letter to Martha from ERMA

Dear WTMs, Even though the MASTER of all WTMs, Erma Bombeck, is no longer with us, we still have some of her old columns to help us laugh. This is a holiday letter from MARTHA STEWART to ERMA BOMBECK...and ERMA's response. It is too funny! Enjoy it and Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi Erma, This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha Stewart

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha, I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor ... trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

Found My Sense of Humor Again

Dearest WTMs, You may have noticed that my last few blog entries have been rather serious and RANTING in nature. While that is fine and good, I did want to inform you that I have, once again, FOUND my sense of humor. It was behind the tampons and the toliet bowl cleaner in my bathroom. Now that I have found it, I vow to only rant on a monthly or quarterly basis. I started WTM with the idea of finding some humor and fun in a world full of "muffies" and crazy expectations. Just wanted you to know that the ranting and serious blogs are officially O-V-E-R and it's back to the usual snarky but fun blogs. With the OCCASIONAL rant. As for the blog entry on "LISA-PREZ of PBK & Momof3", most of the response was positive for the blog but some readers thought I was a little too mean. For those readers that suggest I was too harsh on Lisa---please look in your bathroom vanity. Perhaps you might find your sense of humor where I found mine.

Open Letter to Lisa, President of PotteryBarn Kids

So yesterday's influx of holiday catalogs included a "special" catalog from PotteryBarn Kids. It has a new little section called "STYLEHOUSE" with a letter from the president of PotteryBarnKids, Laura Alber. Right under her name and title, it says that Laura is a MOTHER OF THREE. If you click on the title to this blog entry, it takes you to a page on the PBKids website that has a letter from "Laura-President-Mother of Three". I almost did not write this blog entry because as a woman and as a woman in the businessworld I really believe in supporting those women who have acheived business success. It is very hard to do, even in these "enlightened" days of the 21st century, to be successful in business world as a woman. It is even harder to be successful in business without a penis if you are a woman with CHILDREN. Let me also state for the record that "Lisa-President-Mother of 3" is darling and let me also confess that I have purchased items from "PBKids" many times and while it is pricey at times, it does have some good products. Okay---now that I have said all of the nice stuff, even though I really wanted to be NICE---my evil side won out which is why I am writing this blog entry today. I just wanted to say to LAURA to PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS! In my fantasy conversation with her over coffee or even an alcoholic beverage, here is what I want to say to "Laura-President-Mother of Three": Laura, while I think it is totally great you have done so well with your company, I think you could serve your target customers of MOTHERS much better if you would be a bit more REAL. The reason, "Laura-President-Momof3" is because while I am sure this was not your intent, your claim to be a president, a mom and a mom that decorates the tree the entire day after Thanksgiving is one of the major things wrong with our world right now. Because all the moms look at you and then berate themselves for NOT being able to do it "all". I just think it would level the playing field a bit (if you don't mind) if you would have a small disclaimer under your letter that includes some answers to the following questions: How many people do you have on your staff in your home? Do you have a maid? Do you have a nanny? How old are your kids? Who got OUT the Christmas decorations, you or the help? Did your husband actually help you guys or was he really watching football while you put on ornaments? What do you do about Grandpa who is staying at your house over the holiday and is sleeping off his hangover on your living room couch? Then once she answers these questions, I would have her answer the following questions and put the answers in the "disclaimer" under her letter: If you really are "doing it all" without the help of at least 3 full time staffers at home, HOW are you doing it? Does your husband actually help? Is he a robot? If he is not a robot, how can we clone him? Do you sleep at night? Are you taking "speeder" medication or maybe just your kid's ADDERALLXR? Are you perhaps a VAMPIRE? If you are doing it all, would you please make a video/book for the rest of us on how you are doing it? How many times a week do you go to therapy? Laura---while my methods seem harsh, I am only trying to help spread the message of REALITY to the modern moms. As a former "six-figure" executive/mom, I had a full-time nanny, a maid and a fairly modern husband helping me "do it all" and I about lost my mind. I am not looking to bring you down if you are actually the one in a million people who can pull it off. But I am just tired of perfectly sane and hardworking women beating themselves up for not being able to do the job of 3-4 adults at the same time. I know women can work outside the home and have a family. But since being a mother IS a full-time job all by itself, please give us the real story. Because the "Martha Stewart-ish" myth that it is EASY is what really brings ALL of us down. Let's hear your views, my WTM's!

Still Ranting...

Helloooo WTMs in the Field, Got a huge kick out of a lot of your comments from my very much over the top rant from last week. I kind of had that "no more wire hangers" kind of scary tone in my last blog. Well, it ain't going away. Today's rant has to do with HORMONES. Okay, how many of you WTM's out there have, since the birth of your children, felt a bit "tired". Run down? Exhausted? Okay, me too. So, I have been going to my MD and my Gyno and a few other doctors telling them this, only to have them put me on Prozac (which is actually quite nice) and then trying to put me on just about every other "cue-ti-cal" under the sun. So basically they all just said it was in my head. But a few months ago, I started noticing that I was gaining weight in my belly (really, like I was pregnant or something), I was craving sugar, and a host of other symptoms that were really really weird. Luckily, I go to a GREAT doctor (and not just because he gave me drugs) who told me that MY THYROID HAS PRETTY MUCH SHUT DOWN. Oh. That. Okay, that might explain how I go to sleep at 730pm. And I am cold when it's 70 degrees. And little stuff like that. I really am going somewhere with this WTM's but basically....DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. DO NOT LET THEM TELL YOU IT IS FINE. The MD I am now going to says this has probably gone on for about SEVEN YEARS. AHHHH! So I rant today with a purpose. If you feel bad like I did or feel bad in a way that I didn't----listen to your body and don't get pushed around. I can't tell you how much better and more like myself I am feeling. I have energy I have not had in YEARS. I wish I could have found the doctor I am seeing now a few years back. He did some thyroid tests/hormone tests that the other doctors did not do to discover my lack of thyroid. I will find out which ones and tell you. I realize this is quite a serious moment for a blog called WTM but dammit I really thought it was MY FAULT. That if I just was a little more perfect, was more of a trooper or something----then I could pull myself up by my bootstraps and start really feeling better. Only, I forgot that you can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you have NO BOOTS. So call your doctors. Demand better tests and of course demand drugs. Promise to come back with a fun blog next time about the holiday HELL that is the Holiday season.

Every Mother is a Working Mother

Please excuse me White Trash moms but I am on kind of RANT this week. First of all, let me say I am sorry that I have not been writing. I am sorry for ME as much as ANYONE but cause it is such a healthy outlet for me (and a way to connect with some other moms so I do not think I am crazy). But I am B-A-C-K because I love doing this blog and I really LOVE getting all the responses from all of you WTM's out there. WE ARE NOT ALONE. OKAY---so I have been kind of busy lately with my job. I own my own business so it can go in cycles, up and down but lately it has been very busy (which is good) but it kind of took me back to the "bad" old days a little bit. The bad old days were the days in which I still thought I could do it all and EVEN berated myself for wondering WHY I could not get it all done. The days when my now 11 year old was a toddler and I had a new baby. And I had a mother with cancer. And I had to travel for work via plane. And my husband traveled for work. I know it sounds like I am about to WHINE but please read on. I promise I am making a point. The last few weeks have been enough of an "ass bust" to give me the flashbacks to my early years of motherhood BEFORE I realized the idea that one human could do the job of three humans was simply impossible. Anyway---my husband, who was there for the insanity described above (and really thought things were just fine at the time) ALMOST tried to complain to me during my busy few weeks of work. ALMOST. But when he ALMOST complained about how HE had to: a)Actually get up, before the children to prepare them for the chaos of the day or b)Had to make arrangements with someone for picking up or taking children to a specific event/lesson or c)Something equally mundane as tasks mentioned above that I do daily while also doing a million other things WHEN HE ALMOST COMPLAINED...he was greeted with the GO TO HELL IF YOU EVEN MENTION WHAT I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO SAY LOOK. You ladies KNOW the look I am talking about. It is laser focused, you eyes turn a different color and you get that kind of demonic/satanic facial expression. This stare is VERY CLOSE (but not quite as mean) to the look you give your kids in the car, you know the "I HAVE TO STOP THIS CAR ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN" look. So...I gave my husband the look. Well, I gave him "the look". He didn't complain. Not a peep. Which is good because I have to tell you if he would have made much of a fuss you would not be reading about me in this blog but reading about me in USA Today. SO that is why I am ranting today (and will be for awhile). Because it really is a total scream to see someone else try to do my mom job for a few days. I really don't care WTM's if you "work" outside the home or just "work" inside the home. Dammit----every mother is a working mother! I LOVE being a mother but the crap that is expected as "status quo" from mothers today is a joke. I will now send all of you $75 for the therapy session. I feel refreshed. PS-Once I had a therapist (this is true) and one of my best friends went to the SAME therapist. We would call or meet after sessions to go over what the therapist told us in our sessions. Naturally we found out that she told us....THE EXACT SAME THING (swear it, I promise). It was sooo funny---we quit going to the therapist and then from time to time would send the old quack postcards saying "I HEAR YOU, I UNDERSTAND YOU...THAT WILL BE $75". Of course, that was in the 80's so I guess it would be more like $125 per session now. Now I can't afford therapy because I have kids and even if I could afford it I couldn't go as I DON"T HAVE TIME. Besides that...I have a BLOG. PPS-I guess that is kind of stalking but at the time it seemed okay. But that was back in the days when I drank alcohol regularly.

Watching a Muffy on the Brink

I am a room parent.
I am only a room parent for my daughter's school because they were totally desperate. However, at our school the room parent gig is a fairly easy one. The return on investment of time for being a room parent (okay, let's just call a spade a spade---a room MOM) is quite high. At the school where I am a room mom, it basically signs you up for a few holiday parties and then you are free the rest of the year.
This year, my room parenting duties are with another WT Mom, as well as a "newbie" to the Room Mom gig. She is a very nice and young mom with several small kids. She is...as we say...a mom on the brink. She could go either way----to the dark side of the Muffia or to the light of the WT Mom philosophy.
When we saw the assignment sheet for Room Moms this year, the other veteran & WT Mom asked me about her. "Do you think we can turn her?" asked Wise WT MOM/ROOM MOM. "Only time will tell," I answered gravely. "The first test will be...the craft issue." Now, don't get me wrong about crafts. I actually LIKE doing crafts with my kids. I especially like doing craft things with my kids if I want to talk long distance with a friend or do anything for myself, by myself for more than 15 minutes. Crafts are an excellent way to keep children in one place for more than 5 seconds and keep the horrible mess contained to one area of your home or yard. Anyway----the point is, crafts are good at HOME. BUT crafts during a holiday party at school...that is another story.
Crafts at a holiday party at an elementary school are fine... if you have a bomb shelter in which to do the craft in or if you cover the children from head to toe with plastic trash bags. But to put any kind of glue or paint in the hands of 25 Second Graders who just ate chocolate cupcakes...that is INSANITY. As the Halloween school party approached, the two veterans (myself and other WT Mom) tried every way we knew how to talk the "Newbie" mom out of the craft thing during the Halloween party, to no avail. Newbie mom thought it would be "fun" and it was "easy". So the day of the Halloween party came. I brought several trash bags, extra wipes and paper towels for back-up. The other WT Room Mom brought some Xanax left over from a root canal, in case things got really bad and we had to use sedation. Well, WT Moms...THEY ATE HER ALIVE. Twenty-five little demons, high on sugar, tore into her as soon as she started to "show" the craft and what it was supposed to look like. The scene was so ugly but we stood by on the sidelines, watching it all in horror (and a little bit of snarky laughter). "Shouldn't we help her?" I asked, not moving. "If we help her now, she will never learn. This lesson could help her from turning to the dark side," said my wise WT friend. She finally gave up after about 20 minutes. She left right after that, saying she thought her child was feeling sick and she needed to take him home. We nodded silently, acting as though we believed her story. Will she turn to the dark side or embrace the light? WT Moms, we will keep you posted after the next Holiday party.

Miss Minnesota Help and HELL-O-WEEN

First of all, thank you so much my dearest WT Mom bloggers, for all of your awesome feedback regarding my "Miss Minnesota" problems finding a costume for my 7 year old for Halloween. With your suggestions and feedback I was able to pull together a costume that: a)Did not make my 7 year old look like a hooker b)Did not cost over $15.00 (including the Final Net hairspray) If you have no idea what I am "blogging about" please see my blog from 10-16 regarding Miss Minnesota and my discovery of CHILD beauty contests. EEW. Thank you to all of you and THANK GOD that HELL-O-WEEN is over. Do any of you remember Halloween as a kid? My mom would throw a pillow case at me, give me some cheap costume jewelry and declare that I was a "gypsy" for Halloween. I was ALWAYS a gypsy. Then, my friends and I would wander around our neighborhood for hours (usually with no adult supervision) getting candy and sometimes causing trouble in general. Today, Halloween is different. There are decorations, lots of halloween parties AND as if THAT weren't crazy enough....my husband does his annual HAUNTED BASEMENT. This is a huge hit with my kids and their pals. But we're not talking one of those "dip your hands into the noodles that feel like brains and the peeled grapes as eyeballs" type of haunted houses. This haunted house is a highly technical, special effects laden EVENT. Naturally, we add in "treats" in the form of cocktails for the adults and the whole thing turns into a huge party. Very WT, of course. So the day after Halloween the children have their usual post-Halloween sugar detox----and we have hangovers. Happy Halloween.