How to Make A Store Bought Home Made Cake

This post is in response to one of my beloved bloggers who recently had one of the "muffies" showcase a home-made and quite FANCY cake. Our WT gal wanted to resort to violence after being the subjected to the muffy mother bragging about the home baked cake for some kid event. I was glad to know that our WT sister did NOT resort to violence regarding the "treat" issue but wanted to let her know the BEST way to really drive the perfect mothers CRAZY is to have EQUALLY as HOME MADE good treats for the school events! HOWEVER, being a WT MOM, you do NOT bake the cake...you buy it at the store and then decorate it, put it on a platter. See directions below for the WT MOM's method of baking a cake for the school/kid function. Remember, to the muffy girls of the world, fancy home-baked treats are just another contest and a way to show superior skills. Step One: Of course, you forgot that you were supposed to bring a treat/a birthday cake to your child's class or activity. You remember at the last minute OR one of your WT Mom friends calls to remind you. You RACE to the store at the last minute. Step Two: You buy a PLAIN white store bought cake. You can usually buy them right outta the baked goods area or if beg the people behind the counter to give you one. I have found that crying is often helpful. Step Three: You then go to whatever aisle the cake decorating stuff is in. You purchase the coolest stuff you can find for the top of the cake AND you get that frosting in a can that you can decorate with. Or, you can get fruit, candy or some other kind of topping to put on the cake. Step Four: Go home and dump cake out of the store pan. Put cake on the $9.99 cake serving dish, like the one that I have linked to above at target.com. If you are not a veteran of the "muffy wars" and you do not have your own personal cake serving dish----go buy BEFORE you need one. Trust me, it will come back to you ten-fold. Anyway----put the cake on the cake serving dish and decorate it with items you purchased at the store. Step Five: Take cake to school and swear that it is a home-made little recipe that you got from great auntie. NEVER admit that the cake is store bought. No matter how much pressure the muffies apply, do not crack. FYI-If you have loaned out the cake serving dish to another WTMom, follow step 4 but replace the cake serving dish with a disposable type of serving dish, purchased at the store along with other "ingredients". Tell the MUFFS that you brought a disposable dish because it's "less trouble for everybody". Like you are doing someone a favor. BUT BE WARNED----under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you use the store bought container. The above cake recipe works. I have done it zillions of times over my mom career. Next recipe session will deal with how to make store purchased brownies look and taste like home-made. ONE MORE THING: Big disclaimer on one point. I do have friends that are NOT muffys and are excellent cooks. They love to bake and are damn good at it. I just wanted to make sure that all those baking moms out there don't think I am bagging on them. I only bag on the evil muffy moms. It is my purpose in life.

The Perfect Mother (by Erma Bombeck)

Dear WTMoms, Please read this awesome entry below. It was written by ERMA BOMBECK from her book "Motherhood--The Second Oldest Profession". I love this book and this very short little ditty. I keep it up on my bulletin board in my home office so that every time I feel bad that my house is not spotless or my kids are eating mac & cheese again----that being a PERFECT mother is not the point. Take 30 seconds to read this and remember it next time the "muffys" get you down. The Perfect Mother “ by Erma Bombeck Everyone said Sharon was a terrific mother. Her neighbors said it. Sharon painted the inside of her garbage cans with enamel, grew her own vegetables, cut her own grass every week, made winter coats for the entire family from remnants, donated blood and baked Barbara Mandrell a doll cake for her birthday. Her mother said it. Sharon drove her to the doctor’s when she had an appointment, color-coordinated the children’s clothes and put them in labeled drawers, laundered aluminum foil and used it again, planned family reunions, wrote her Congressman, cut everyone’s hair and knew her health insurance policy number by heart. Her children’s teacher said it. She helped her children every night with their homework, delivered her son’s paper route when it rained, packed nutritious lunches with little raised faces on the sandwiches, was homeroom mother, belonged to five car pools and once blew up 234 balloons by herself for the seventh grade cotillion. Her husband said it. Sharon washed the car when it rained, saved antifreeze from year to year, paid all the bills, arranged their social schedule, sprayed the garden for bugs, moved the hose during the summer, put the children on their backs at night to make sure they didn’t sleep on their faces, and once found a twelve-dollar error on a tax return filed by H & R Block. Her best friend said it. Sharon build a bed out of scraps left over from the patio, crocheted a Santa Claus to cover the extra roll of toilet paper at Christmastime, washed fruit before her children ate it, learned to play the harpsichord, kept a Boston fern alive for a whole year, and when the group ate lunch out, Sharon always figured out who owed what. Her minister said it. Sharon found time to read all the dirty books and campaign against them. She played guitar at evening services. She corresponded with a poor family in Guatemala…in SPANISH. She put together a cookbook to raise funds for a new coffee maker for the church. She collected door to door for all the health organizations. Sharon was one of those women blessed with a knack for being organized. She planned a “theme party” for the dog’s birthday, made her children elaborate Halloween costumes out of old grocery bags and her knots came out just right on the shoelaces when they broke. She put a basketball hoop over the clothes hanger as an incentive for good habits, started seedlings in a toilet paper spindle, and insulated their house with empty egg cartons, which everyone else threw away. Sharon kept a schedule that would have brought any other women to her knees. Need twenty-five women to chaperone a party? Give the list to Sharon. Need a mother to convert the school library to the Dewey Decimal System? Call Sharon. Need someone to organize a block party, garage sale or a school festival? Get Sharon. Sharon was a SUPER MOM! Her gynecologist said it. Her butcher said it. Her tennis partner said it. Her children… Her children never said it. They spent a lot of time with Rick’s mother, who was always home with them and who ate cookies out of a box and played poker with them.

Mrs. America article

One of our fellow WTMs and a blog contributor, "NILLA", has given us a great link from CNN about the MRS. America contest. You really just have to see the picture and article to really get the impact. EXCELLENT contribution, NILLA. While my first response is to automatically BAG on the contest...BUT I can't really blame the contestants for entering-----you get a weekend by yourself, in a hotel. It's not a working trip. You get to go to the bathroom (by yourself), eat good food, workout, watch pay per view...oh yea and that beauty Mrs. America thing too. Except for the contest part AND being completely surrounded by MUFFIA, it would not be such a bad thing....Okay, now that I think about it, it might not be worth it (although going to the bathroom for 10 minutes, ALONE, would be heaven). Thanks again Nilla and can't wait to hear what you all think! PS-Just ONE MORE reason to watch the FABULOUS WT MOM HALL OF FAME DVD/VIDEO, "Drop Dead Gorgeous". We reviewed this excellent movie in the August 20th, 2005 blog entry.

Sick Child on a Monday & "I Only Let My Kids Watch PBS"

Hope the weekend was good----if your weekends are like mine, the workday is actually FAR more relaxing than the weekend! I have a sick child this Monday AM, some kind of a stomach thing. I tried to crack my 7 year old to see if she was faking it but when she threw up on the dry clean only bedspread, I knew she was not faking it. How do you guys handle doing the work/sick kid thing? I do a lot from my house, which is much easier than doing the juggle with the calling in sick to the office (to take a sick day for your sick kid). Used to do a lot of those type of days. The question is, will the child authorities really come and visit if I allow the child to watch TV from now until, say, 3pm when I pick up the elder monster from her keepers at Catholic school? Is 8 hours a day of Cartoon network (every so often) a BAD thing? As a WT mom, I say a resounding NO! Especially when you have a conference call every Monday at Noon. This leads me to one of my favorite subjects, which are the "pre-moms" (and we all know them) that say they will "only let their children watch PBS". Don't cha love it when these moms finally crack? I know that is kind of mean but the one thing you should never do is make broad blanket statements like that before you have kids. WT moms----I am looking for COPING tips for working at home with a sick child. Or for getting anything done at home when you have a sick kid. Anyone? Happy Monday!

What is the MUFFIA?

I do not tell many of the people in my world that I do this blog (or that I have the web store WHITE TRASH PALACE). I want to be able to really RANT here on this blog and I can't do that if some of the people I am writing about are reading the blog. But one of my handful of friends that DOES know it's me ranting asked me the other day what the "MUFFIA" was. I thought I should explain a little better as it is SUCH a PERFECT term and I was not clever enough to think of it myself. The idea of the "MUFFIA" comes from the best book in the world called I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT by Allison Pearson. The main character is a mom who is juggling career and home, swimming against the tide 24/7. You don't need to have a high power career like the fictional character in this book to "get" the book and to think it is soooo funny. The main character in the book is constantly getting attacked from the rear by the perfect moms that she refers to as "the muffia". I about peed my pants reading parts of this book as it was so TRUE. It was after reading this book that I decided to go PUBLIC with my whole "white trash" philosophy on parenting. If you click on the "header" to this blog it takes you to a link at AMAZON.com. I will not benefit in any way from sending you to AMAZON but I figured that if you were a WT mom, you would not have the time to actually find the book for yourself. I fell in love with book from page one. Book opens with our main character taking store bought brownies and making them LOOK as though they were homemade----at 1:30am. It's awesome. Read it if you can.

Weight/Size Comments---the "Backlash"

Dear WT Mom Readers: The blog entry about my seven year old daughter being able to wear a woman's SMALL shirt (she weighs a whopping 49 pounds, dripping wet) resulted in over 33 responses. Clearly I am not the only one in the universe that thinks the fashion industry is on CRACK COCAINE. However, yesterday we did get a comment from an Anonymous blogger, that was, if I may say so, a little HARSH. Please see paragraph below for the blog entry. Anonymous said... According to reliable sources (Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model), six 8 is considered PLUS SIZE in the modeling industry. However, size 8 is probably close to the average size of HEALTHY American woman. Stop complaining about pants not fitting your huge ass and lose some weight. It's not the pants that are the problem--it's all the food you put into your mouth. OUCH! while I DO appreciate the talents of Tyra Banks AND her steller credentials on the "America's Next Top Model" show, I would like to respond to these comments with a few facts from the National Eating Disorders Association, National Institute on Media and the Washington Times. I do not want to get into a FACT war with anyone but I think it is a safe bet that these organizations are at least on the same credibility level as "America's Next Top Model Show". A few facts: The average women in America wears over 140 pounds and is 5 feet, 4 inches tall. The average fashion model is 5 feet, 11 inches and wears under 115 pounds. Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women. The average American women is a size 12. The most purchased size for American women is size 14. Trends today are for SMALL to be size 0-2, MEDIUM is size 4-6, LARGE is a 8-10. More and more clothing manufacturers are not even MAKING clothes for women over a size 10! In addition, according to Plunkett's Guide to Retail Research, women's clothing sales have dropped almost 13% in the last five years---despite the fact that women's clothing makes up over 30% of ALL CLOTHING SALES.
So I guess what I am saying is, my anonymous blogger, please ponder the idea that maybe we are NOT just whiny fat chicks and maybe we are just normal sized women that are sick of clothes that fit concentration camp victims and 7 year old, 49 pound little girls.
After pondering the possibility of another perspective, If you STILL want to think that a 49 pound girl fitting in to a shirt designed for an ADULT WOMAN is okay and that anyone who does not like this fashion trend needs to just eat less-----then I say two more things to you. #1-It's free country and everyone having different opinions is what makes it great. #2-Whether you know it or not, you are clearly on the road to MUFFIA MOMMY HELL. Turn back. Resist the dark side and come back to the light. WT Living is MUCH MORE FUN, trust me. Thanks for your perspective, anonymous, and please consider my comments in #2 above. WT moms, care to comment?

Things to Say to Muffy at the Soccer Game

The first soccer game weekend is upon us. Not only do I have to see "the muffia" at school, I now have to see them for hours on Saturday. I was thinking of ways to fend off a possible "muffia" attack while attempting to watch the kiddos soccer game and I came up with the following things to say to Muffy Perfect Mom and her gestapo on the sidelines. Let me know, WT Moms, if you have any other good responses.
Muffy, have you LOST weight? OMYGOSH, we have a potholder at home that looks just like your sweater. L-O-V-E the shoes! I saw those at Target last week and almost bought them.
These questions and comments are part of an overall defensive strategy. If you fire the first shot, usually the "muffia" will leave you alone and go bully someone else. WARNING: You MUST say all of these comments with a big smile on your face and look the evil mom right in the eye! If the "muffia" think you are actually being mean and defying their authority as masters of the mom universe, your child will suffer the consequences. So, PLEASE people, do not use this tool unless you can pull it off! An experienced veteran of the "SOCCER FIELD MOM WARS" like me can do it----but don't pull this out until you are ready. Sorry to be harsh but I have seen too many WT and NON-WT moms try to fight the muffia battlions with tools that are not powerful enough. Know this----Muffy and her pals have been evil since childhood. So even if I sound harsh, don't try this at home if you are not ready. End of sermon and on to the WEEKEND...isn't it relaxing?

Don't You Wish School Started at 10am?

Okay, while I am sooo very happy the little monster are back in the thinly veiled correctional institute called SCHOOL, I do wish that they would start it later. Having to function as a MOM in the wee hours (anything before 8am) is tough. Sure, I can function and get around BUT having to act like a grown up WHO IS IN CHARGE can be tough. Having to answer quesitons such as:
Can I please get some breakfast? Where is my backpack? Can you please drive me to school?
These kind of questions, while on the surface they seem pretty easy, are quite difficult for me to answer without at LEAST three cups of coffee. Do I have a problem? Probably. Do any of you guys have a problem with coffee? What do you do to combat your coffee addiction? Let me know and SHARE with your other WT Moms how you cope.
If you click on the title to this entry, it will take you to a page from WHITE TRASH PALACE, which is an online store that I share with a WT MOM friend of mine.
We have fun as we are trying to start a revolution in the world of mom-dom. I will keep you updated on how it is going. So far...no one has noticed our revolution but we will keep on it. Our next retail project is going to be to overthrow the evil fashion lords who make jeans for people shaped like concentration camp victims. Again, will let you guys know how it's going.
From the post about my daughter wearing a women's SMALL size, I think that it is not just the QUEENS of the WT PALACE that are pissed off about the sizing issues. So...will keep you posted.

Thanks for all the great feedback!

White Trash Moms----we are not alone! I was so charged to see all the feedback from the last post (re: bogus fashion trends). I am glad to hear I am not alone. I always FEEL like it's JUST ME when the crabby size 0 salesperson looks at me with rolled eyes when I try to take jeans back to the fitting room that I USED to be able to wear but now I can't. Thanks again for all the awesome comments and when I try to bring about a revolution to the fashion world----I will let you guys know.