Differences Between You and the Muffia

Dear WTMs, As a part of the on-going, pre-Summer education series, I will continue with the lessons on:

HOW TO SPOT THE MUFFIA during SUMMER VACATION

I think that sometimes the best way to describe that the MUFFIA is, is by showing the differences between "WT" moms (which we all consider normal) and the MUFFIA moms. Situation #1 You are at the pool. Your oldest child is trying to drown his/her younger sibling. WTM Method of Stopping Your Child You quickly turn your head, get up and scream at the top of your lungs at your child, who is at the far end of the pool.

• Suzanne (Insert Middle Name Here) Jones!
• I swear to God if you touch your sister one more time you will wish you were never born! Don't make me come in there!

MUFFIA Method of Stopping Child You do nothing. You continue to talk to another mom at the pool or read a magazine. You ignore any wrong doing of your child, choosing to ignore the younger siblings cries for help, until another parent or a lifeguard steps in. Or else 911 is called. Situation #2 Your family is at the FUN Summer Block Party. One of your children is either 1)taste testing all the desserts with their nasty, dirty fingers OR 2)is trying to "help" with the BBQ by lighting napkins on fire on the host's front porch WTM Method of Stopping Your Child You scream at your child or children, walking very fast to get to them so you can give them one of the famous smiling but "gritted teeth" little up and close and personal talks.

• SCREAMING FROM ACROSS THE BLOCK PARTY---LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE THE DEAD: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!
• AFTER DOING THE WALK/RUN OVER TO THE KIDS AND GRABBING THEM BY THE ARM. USING LOW VOICE AND GRITTED TEETH:
• Suzanne (Insert Middle Name Here) Jones-----you KNOW better! What in the HELL are you thinking? Can you tell me that? You are SO dead, do you realize that young lady?

MUFFIA Method of Stopping Child You do nothing. You continue to flirt with Mr. Rankin, the cute single guy with the BMW that lives down the street. He could be "second husband" material, after all! You ignore any wrong doing of your child, letting your kid almost burn down the neighbors house. Is this a clear picture, WTMs? I would love to read your feedback!

How to Spot the Muffia during Summer Vacation

Dear WTMs, Since SUMMER is around the corner, I wanted to take a little time off from my usual whining to discuss a very important Summer Survival Skill. How to Spot the Muffia during Summer Vacation
Muffia members do not travel in packs as much in the Summertime. Due to the fact that many "muffys" migrate to cooler or warmer areas of the country, the herd is thinned out a bit, so it can be harder to spot them. But be on guard, WTMs, they are out there in full force and I would like to spend a little time this week preparing you. Today's lesson in Summer Vacation Prep deals with the basic lesson of how to spot the Muffia member, if the evil member is truly alone? Since bullies travel in packs and the status quo of most of these muffia bullies is to stay in large numbers, how can you tell if the mom you are talking to at the baseball game or the pool bbq is MUFFIA? Look for these warning signs: 1. If you see them in the early AM, are they dressed to the nines in full make-up? I not talking just a shower and clean. I am talking full armour, lipstick and curled hair at 8am swim practice or camp. HOWEVER, I know one great WTM friend of mine that has to shower every morning to start her day. She looks great when you see her but it is mostly due to the fact that she is nice and has a warm smile for you. So the full grooming alone is NOT the only sign. Please read on. 2.When you see the "mom" at various events and lessons or summer school, does the "mom"talk a great deal about their really exotic family vacation they are taking? Or how about the "family cabin" at the lake or by the sea? Before you judge too harshly, some of my best friends have lake homes in their families and these gals are as WT as they come. So once again, this sign ALONE is not one to worry about. 3.When your child or children are fighting with each other, being too loud at the movie or making a scene in a public place, how does the "mom" react? Now ladies, THIS is a sign you should pay attention to. If the "mom" looks at you with a superior air or stare----you could be faced with a MUFFIA mother. If the mom laughs and tells you how their kid embarassed the family at church camp----you've probably got yourself a new WT Mom friend. Think about these important facts. More on Wednesday.

White Trash Childrens Bedroom

Dear WTMs, Sorry for not posting alot this week. Have some cool stuff going on that I will be able to tell you about next week. In my last post, I gave you the WTM vs Pottery Barn Kids "Lists for a Child's Bedroom". Just in case you thought I was KIDDING about my offspring and their hellish messy bedrooms, dig if you will a picture of one of the bedrooms. This is a REAL picture of an 8 year old girl's bedroom. This was taken on a typical day and in case you were wondering...we were not the victims of a natural disaster. My youngest daughter, whom I call "Miss Minnesota" here in the blog, can make a clean room into the mess you see in a matter of 10 seconds. As you can see, we purchased the nice and matching furniture for her room. Clearly this was a mistake. We should have purchased some cardboard boxes and a beanbag chair. She is so little and sweet. She looks like an angel. But the child can make any room, particularly her bedroom, into a pit of hell in a matter of seconds. It's her special talent. Please look at this picture and feel superior to me. Have a good Friday!

Pottery Barn Kids Room Checklist

Dear WTMs, I got an email from Pottery Barn Kids yesterday. I guess I am still on their mailing list. I thought they had banned me from the mailing list due to blog entries I have written that bagged on the store. And I bagged on the executives that write the little blurbs about their "average" lives. But for now, at least, I am still on the mailing list. Giving me another chance to bag on them. Here is a recent blurb and suggestion list from those wacky folks at "PBK" about how to make your child's room very special. See below: Pottery Barn Kids ROOM CHECKLIST "Create a bedroom for your child that is far more than a place to sleep. Start with the basics, add a few special touches, and it can also be a place to play, study and dream." BEDDING quilt, duvet cover, sheet sets, bed skirt, blankets, comforter FURNITURE bed, dresser,nightstand,armoire,bookshelf,desk & chair ACCESSORIES frames,wall art,wall shelving,storage baskets & bins,rug,window panels,window hardware, lamp,alarm clock Now, please come back with me, from LALA land to the real world. Real World, a la "white trash mom" Children's Room Checklist "Create a bedroom for your child that is not only a place to sleep but also a room to act as a prison cell, when needed. The room has to not only have the child or children in it, but also all of their mountains of stuff. Be sure to put a bed in the room, if the Hot Wheels or Barbie or whatever else they have collected does not take up too much room. BEDDING Use only the nice sheets and bedding that was purchased for the parents room in the children's room. Any nice pillows will especially be used in the children's room...as a cat bed mattress. FURNITURE If the toys/accessories don't take up too much room, get a bed. If you have a desk in the room, pile all kinds of stuff on it---nothing school related of course. Any nice storage baskets should be left empty. ACCESSORIES Any nice matching wall art should be drawn upon or replaced with magazine cut outs that are taped on the wall with scotch tape (so the paint comes off the wall). Used Gum Stash Place all used gum under the desk area or on the headboard of the bed. Halloween Candy Hiding Place Use one of the dresser drawers for something really useful. Hiding the Halloween/Easter/Holiday candy from your mom. The Pit of Hell (aka under the bed) Throw all trash, wrappers, old clothes, new clothes...really just about ANYTHING under the bed.

Due to Muffia Spies, International WTMs

Dear WTMs, Due to recent events related to the MUFFIA spies (see post on 4-6-06 MUFFIA SPIES ARE TRACKING ME), I now have STATCOUNTER installed this blog. Statcounter just tells you what web sites referred people to you and also where your readers are coming from (state or city or country people live in). It's not too "Big Brother-ish" but it lets me know more about the WTM bloggers. Most importantly, it lets me see if the MUFFIA spies here in my home base are reading the blog. Thankfully the muffia here in WTM HQ are not reading this blog. I am really not too sure that all of them CAN read but that is a story for another day. I am still glad I installed the statcounter thingy. The information about who is reading the blog is very enlightening! First of all, White Trash Motherhood is quite INTERNATIONAL. Dig if you will the picture: White Trash Motherhood is popular DOWN UNDER. Yes WTMs, for some reason, there is a large group of blog readers from Australia. I have always wanted to visit Australia and this just reaffirms my love of this awesome country! Thank you to the Aussie WTMs. Our Mother Country, the United Kingdom, also has a large base of readers! My friend Sarah, who is British, says that she likes to visit whitetrashpalace.com because it doesn't take itself too seriously. Sarah says that too many Americans just take themselves too damn seriously so it's refreshing to have an American store that isn't "utterly boring". I knew that the whitetrashpalace store had a large UK customer base, due to the catalog requests. I was surprised that the blog has a fair amount of WTM readers! Finally, Finland and Canada have a good share of blog readers. Since Canadian and Americans share so many cultural practices (except that Canadians are nicer, more educated and live in a colder climate) I am not that surprised by the Canadian WTMs. I am very happy but not that shocked. Finland, however, is a kicker. What's up with WTMs in Finland? Party on Finland WTMs!
Second interesting thing I found out, due to the statcounter thingy, is that the blog is getting 800-1,000 readers every day. I am freaking out because while that figure is a drop in the bucket compared to the DOOCE blog, it is a huge number for the white trash mom world! If we keep gathering "converts" to our WTM philosophy of life, we should be able to overthrow the "muffia" far sooner than originally planned.
Raise your coffee cup, your diet coke or whatever you are drinking right now and Let's toast our future...a future where store bought cookies are good enough, school auctions are banned and anyone NOT wearing pajamas at morning drop-off is shunned. AHH. Happy Monday WTMs and thanks for all the great support!

Ther Perfect Mother by Erma Bombeck

Dear WTMs, It has been kind of a bad week, one of those weeks that things just go wrong. On Friday, the last day of this hellish week, I was faced with the following:
1)The home phone was turned off. Because I forgot to pay the bill. Shit. Was turned back on 30 minutes later but I was pissed at myself for being a loser. 2)There was no underwear to speak of, for me to wear, so today I was forced to go...commando. 3)It is the weekend before Mother's Day and I always miss my mom alot on this weekend. She died of cancer in 2000 and Mother's Day still gets me. I knew I had to do something...so I turned to my WTM role model, the White Trash Mom that started it all...ERMA. I blogged about Erma Bombeck's column, "The Perfect Mother", in September 2005. Sorry if this is a re-run for some of you. I just needed the reminder today and thought that maybe some of you would like it. Again. From her book "Motherhood--The Second Oldest Profession". Have a great Mother's Day! The Perfect Mother “ by Erma Bombeck Everyone said Sharon was a terrific mother. Her neighbors said it. Sharon painted the inside of her garbage cans with enamel, grew her own vegetables, cut her own grass every week, made winter coats for the entire family from remnants, donated blood and baked Barbara Mandrell a doll cake for her birthday. Her mother said it. Sharon drove her to the doctor’s when she had an appointment, color-coordinated the children’s clothes and put them in labeled drawers, laundered aluminum foil and used it again, planned family reunions, wrote her Congressman, cut everyone’s hair and knew her health insurance policy number by heart. Her children’s teacher said it. She helped her children every night with their homework, delivered her son’s paper route when it rained, packed nutritious lunches with little raised faces on the sandwiches, was homeroom mother, belonged to five car pools and once blew up 234 balloons by herself for the seventh grade cotillion. Her husband said it. Sharon washed the car when it rained, saved antifreeze from year to year, paid all the bills, arranged their social schedule, sprayed the garden for bugs, moved the hose during the summer, put the children on their backs at night to make sure they didn’t sleep on their faces, and once found a twelve-dollar error on a tax return filed by H & R Block. Her best friend said it. Sharon build a bed out of scraps left over from the patio, crocheted a Santa Claus to cover the extra roll of toilet paper at Christmastime, washed fruit before her children ate it, learned to play the harpsichord, kept a Boston fern alive for a whole year, and when the group ate lunch out, Sharon always figured out who owed what. Her minister said it. Sharon found time to read all the dirty books and campaign against them. She played guitar at evening services. She corresponded with a poor family in Guatemala…in SPANISH. She put together a cookbook to raise funds for a new coffee maker for the church. She collected door to door for all the health organizations. Sharon was one of those women blessed with a knack for being organized. She planned a “theme party” for the dog’s birthday, made her children elaborate Halloween costumes out of old grocery bags and her knots came out just right on the shoelaces when they broke. She put a basketball hoop over the clothes hanger as an incentive for good habits, started seedlings in a toilet paper spindle, and insulated their house with empty egg cartons, which everyone else threw away. Sharon kept a schedule that would have brought any other women to her knees. Need twenty-five women to chaperone a party? Give the list to Sharon. Need a mother to convert the school library to the Dewey Decimal System? Call Sharon. Need someone to organize a block party, garage sale or a school festival? Get Sharon. Sharon was a SUPER MOM! Her gynecologist said it. Her butcher said it. Her tennis partner said it. Her children… Her children never said it.
They spent a lot of time with Rick’s mother, who was always home with them and who ate cookies out of a box and played poker with them.

White Trash Mom List for "Summer Enrichment"

Dear WTMs, Clearly, my post from about summer activities, titled SUMMER ENRICHMENT MY ASS, hit a nerve with you WTMs. I am very glad to know I am not alone. It is because of the good response I got from that blog entry that I continue the ranting about SUMMER ENRICHMENT with my own list of WHITE TRASH MOM list of SUMMER ACTIVITIES for the children. Please note that some of these activities are in jest (for the three "PC" readers out there in cyberville) but this list is made up of activities that I think kids would have fun doing as well as some of the stupid things I did in childhood, plus some stuff that I know my girls do when they think I am not looking. Please feel free to add to the official WTM Summer Enrichment List! WHITE TRASH MOM SUMMER ACTIVITIY (aka "Enrichment) LIST

• Daily game of "DingDongDitch" with the ___________family
• Collect Rolly Pollys in Tupperware. They die. Have funeral. Collect more.
• Tell your sister there are ghosts in the attic (she sleeps next to it). See her get real scared.
• Build a fort in backyard, over the swingset. Sleep in fort with next door neighbors. Stay in it half the night then come inside.
• Crank call ___________neighbor boys every other day
• For the 12 and up kids: Babysit the toddler kids down the street so you can read Mrs. Toddler's mom dirty books. Tell all your friends about it.
• Spray your dog with the hose DAILY. Get yelled at by mom because house smells like wet dog.
• Ride bike around (not always possible in every neighborhood)
• Spy on neighbors
• For younger siblings: Spy on older sister and friends. Record in your near photographic memory everything they say and report in detail to your mom.
• For 12 year old and up kids: When mom is gone, get "R" movies on demand. When cable bill comes, deny, deny, deny.
• Make a movie using Barbies, pets and whatever else you can find. Make everyone watch it over and over. Dream of fame.
• Tell the annoying neighbor kid behind you that it's polite to say "ASS" instead of "PLEASE" at the dinner table.
• Get grounded and yelled at by parents when the annoying kid actually falls for it and does it at dinner. Write letter of apology to kid and family. Mother makes you talk to Father __________.
• For younger siblings: Listen in on your mom's phone conversation and repeat in detail to neighbors at the block party.
• Take money from Grandma and blow it at K-Mart on BLOW PENS or something equally as lame.

I know you WTMs out there can add to this excellent start to the WTM Summer Enrichment List!

One of my new heros- Adrianne Frost

Dear WTMs, I have found a new hero. Adrianne Frost, the author of the book, I HATE OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS. As if the title weren't enough to get you to immediately purchase the book, here is a little snippet from the wise new hero of mine: Sure, children are the greatest gift of all -- but that doesn't mean you want to be seated next to one on an airplane. It's mean, it's fun...it's TRUE! A perfect gift idea for one of your WTM pals or a WTM sibling. I was so taken with the book that I gave them a free blog ad (see right column). TOO FUNNY! You can see more by clicking on today's blog title---linked to the book web site. Happy WT Mother's Day!

Summer Enrichment My Ass

Dear WTMs, I have used mild profanity in the title of the this blog post. This should alert you all to the possibility that I am going on a rant in today's blog post. Please exit the blog post immediately if you have a problem with my rants and if you possibly have a problem with some very low grade profanity (like the word ASS). With that disclaimer out of the way, please read on. The topic today is the SUMMER ENRICHMENT of my precious children. I am on this topic as I am getting phone calls from various mothers (muffia AND non-muffia) and summer lesson providers about summer activities. White Trash Readers: Did YOUR mom give a rat's ass about what you did for the summer? Because I will tell you right now, that my mom did not. I can remember getting some tennis lessons and had some art lessons. The rest of every summer I can remember from my childhood was spent messing around with my friends, riding my bike and going to the pool.

• I did not take summer enrichment seminars
• I did not have daily lessons with expensive instructors on how to do UNDERWATER BASKETWEAVING
• I did not have a list of daily, scheduled activities for my summer vacation

By today's standards, my mom was depriving me of a normal childhood. My childhood summer schedules were a virtual wasteland by modern standards. It's a wonder I turned out okay (writing a blog called White Trash Mom and owning a store called White Trash Palace not withstanding). It is early May and I am being bombarded by people that already have their children in 17 activities and lessons for the summer. God forbid I don't get my 8 year old into the soccer camp in June----she might not be able to keep up with the other frickin' third graders next year! It's going to be the end of the world if I don't get my 12 year old into that special math tutor because SATs are going to be here before we know it! As my next door neighbor used to say: JESUS MARY and JOSEPH! It just pisses me off that I am considered lazy or that I am depriving my kids by not providing them with a slew of activities for their "summer enrichment". Doing nothing is not EVIL! Being bored is not the worst thing in the world for kids. We will probably get some Math help this summer. There is Girl Scout camp. We've got some tennis lessons planned. But every fiber of my White Trash Motherhood is against over-booking and scheduling my kids for activities during their break. Are you with me, WTMs? Tell me what you think!

Get Out the VISA Cards, We're Going Shopping!

Dear WTMs, Salary.com, a web site that tracks compensation rates, gave it's annual valuation of what the fair market value of what a MOTHER would get paid, if a MOM were actually PAID for her TIME on the "job" as a MOM. Stay-at-home moms would earn (get ready for this one) $134,121 per year if they were paid job market rates for the work they do. If moms that work "outside the home" were paid for their "mom jobs" they'd earn $85,876 per year, in ADDITION to their "outside workplace" salaries. HA! These hypothetical paychecks reflect what a mom does as a: housekeeper, daycare teachers, cook, van driver, laundry operator, janitor, facilities manager, computer operator, psychologist, and chief executive. Mothers who work "outside the home" work on average 44 hours per week at the outside workplace, then work 49.8 hours per week at their "mom jobs" for a total of 93.8 hours of work per week. Stay-at-home moms reportedly work 91.6 hours per week at their "mom jobs". Please note that moms spend at least 4 hours per week as "psychologist" for their kids emotional needs. So let's all go collect our salaries and go SHOPPING WTMs! What a scream! Although I think the web site left a few of the "job tasks" out of the job description:

• Animal care
• Referee
• On call "sex kitten" for husband/partner
• Personal shopper
• Household finance manager
• Nurse
• In-law/family liason
• Social secretary
• Volunteer liason for family

You can see the information on the web site by clicking on the TITLE to this blog entry. I am going to wake up my husband right now (after I get back from taking my 8 year old to her early soccer game) and ask him for payment on my new found salary! What do you all think of this info? Can you think of anything they have missed?

Hail Mary Pass for First Communion Dress

Dear WTMs, Sorry have not blogged since the weekend but last weekend was the FIRST COMMUNION weekend. It all turned out fine and one of the HIGHLIGHTS of the First Communion weekend was that my 8 year old (Miss Minnesota) was able to fit into dress that we borrowed from another "WT" family! It was a beautiful dress that I was able to "score" at the last minute---and best of all it was FREE! I guess it's pretty clear that I am VERY White Trash due to the fact I was celebrating the "Hail Mary" last minute score of the free First Communion dress. She looked awesome and I cried. I guess God DIDN'T want me to pay $150 for a dress! Now my only WT dilemma is how to return the dress that I purchased on sale at the department store. Will write more Thursday.