Thursday, May 25, 2006

Differences Between You and the Muffia

Dear WTMs, As a part of the on-going, pre-Summer education series, I will continue with the lessons on:
HOW TO SPOT THE MUFFIA during SUMMER VACATION
I think that sometimes the best way to describe that the MUFFIA is, is by showing the differences between "WT" moms (which we all consider normal) and the MUFFIA moms. Situation #1 You are at the pool. Your oldest child is trying to drown his/her younger sibling. WTM Method of Stopping Your Child You quickly turn your head, get up and scream at the top of your lungs at your child, who is at the far end of the pool.
  • Suzanne (Insert Middle Name Here) Jones!
  • I swear to God if you touch your sister one more time you will wish you were never born! Don't make me come in there!
MUFFIA Method of Stopping Child You do nothing. You continue to talk to another mom at the pool or read a magazine. You ignore any wrong doing of your child, choosing to ignore the younger siblings cries for help, until another parent or a lifeguard steps in. Or else 911 is called. Situation #2 Your family is at the FUN Summer Block Party. One of your children is either 1)taste testing all the desserts with their nasty, dirty fingers OR 2)is trying to "help" with the BBQ by lighting napkins on fire on the host's front porch WTM Method of Stopping Your Child You scream at your child or children, walking very fast to get to them so you can give them one of the famous smiling but "gritted teeth" little up and close and personal talks.
  • SCREAMING FROM ACROSS THE BLOCK PARTY---LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE THE DEAD: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!
  • AFTER DOING THE WALK/RUN OVER TO THE KIDS AND GRABBING THEM BY THE ARM. USING LOW VOICE AND GRITTED TEETH:
  • Suzanne (Insert Middle Name Here) Jones-----you KNOW better! What in the HELL are you thinking? Can you tell me that? You are SO dead, do you realize that young lady?
MUFFIA Method of Stopping Child You do nothing. You continue to flirt with Mr. Rankin, the cute single guy with the BMW that lives down the street. He could be "second husband" material, after all! You ignore any wrong doing of your child, letting your kid almost burn down the neighbors house. Is this a clear picture, WTMs? I would love to read your feedback!

15 Comments:

Anonymous saintseester said...

Is the only time they pay attention when they think their child is getting shafted? I.E. as in "it's NOT fair?"

Maybe you can tell me if this is muffia or something else - at our kids ballgame, I found out one of the moms has been taking notes all season to make sure her kid is getting treated fairly (whatever that means). I, on the other hand, have missed most of my own child's good plays because I am distracted by his sister who is picking up other people's used popsicle sticks.

5/25/2006 7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually had a muffia who demanded I retake a picture with MY CAMERA because her precious darling angel wasn't looking! HELLLOOOO? Heard the same mom at the pool the other day in her bikini and cowboy hat talking to the other Muffia about the golf camp they were sending precious to and their fabulous vacation they were taking this summer. SOOOOO MUFFIA!

5/25/2006 10:55 PM  
Blogger lauri said...

OMG how do you know my children, i swear that was my oldest and my youngest,, my middle one is somewhat normal and only acts out so he can be in the club. I do a lot of teeth gritting yelling and death threats in public, thats why we dont' go out very much.

5/26/2006 5:15 AM  
Anonymous Leah said...

OMG, I just realized that my boyfriend's ex-wife is a total MUFFIA! I'm going to have to deal with her for at least the next 13 years.

5/26/2006 5:28 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

leah - oh my gosh, I'm praying for you. LOL!

5/26/2006 5:55 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Yey! I'm WT! I was starting to worry from the last Muffia post. I'm always up and dressed with my hair and makeup done. I think it's kind of a bad habit from highschool...actually worrying what people will think. But after this post..I know I'm WT! I scream and holler and let it all out when their doing something they shouldn't!! Well mainly my son..my daughter's too young for that yet!

5/26/2006 6:14 AM  
Blogger Pass me another cold one said...

All, I can say, is I love you!!! Especially now that I know i'm normal!

5/26/2006 6:52 AM  
Blogger The other me said...

I am so a WTM..evenif I live in England....6 kids, I'm the loudest of WTMs...is there a prize?

5/26/2006 10:26 AM  
Blogger Sahve said...

OMG - I had no idea how pure WT I was til I read this. From now on, no more denial! I shall accept myself as I am and embrace my inner (and apparently outer) WT momness!

5/26/2006 1:09 PM  
Blogger queen of wt said...

Message to all, just to be clear, grooming alone does not make you a muffia. I know MANY WT moms that look fabulous. It is more of a attitude thing-----do you do it because you want to or because you are out to impress others into thinking you are a superior being? This is is huge diff between our WT sisterhood and the evil Muffia. There are many others, of course, but mostly it's about putting on "airs".

5/26/2006 2:48 PM  
Blogger cmagdalen said...

When my son was 4 we would go play at the mall "playground". If he were to so much as knock another child over I made sure he at least said he was sorry. If he did it on purpose, oh that little terd was quickly yelled at and made to say he was sorry.

We were sitting there one day observing as my son played with the other kids. Some little bastard kept running into other kids and pushing them on purpose. I cant remember if he pushed my son or if he just reached the last straw, but I grabbed that little kid and walked over to a bunch of Muffia moms who werent paying attention and said "Whose kid is this?" One of the moms took herself from her precious conversation and said "What did he do?" in a sweet "My child is perfect" tone. I told her and she was like "Oh" gave her son a little "Youre not suppose to do that" and shoved him off to play again. I was so mad my face was bright red. I cry when I get really mad (yes its pathetic) and I was so close. I wanted to scream at her!!!

5/26/2006 4:10 PM  
Anonymous baseballmom said...

My God, I am so with saintseester. My husband coaches our son's baseball team, and the other parents are forever talking about how irritated they are that Allstarboy isn't allowed to pitch, and why the hell their kids aren't playing EVERY inning, and why, for God's sake they aren't ALWAYS playing in the infield. My feeling is that if they want it done their way, they should coach their own team, and play their kid wherever they want. Hell with the muffia!!! I always used to feel inadequate because they were so 'put together' all of the time, but now? That just looks like a lot of work to me.

5/29/2006 11:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Confirmation for what I already suspected - I am a WTM. As if hearing my 5 year old (with hands on hips) yelling at her little brother (using first, middle and last name) to "... get your ass over here now!" wasn't enough.

5/30/2006 8:29 AM  
Anonymous Kate the Shrew said...

Oh, yes, I just had to break out the full name and gritted-teeth smile today at both the bank and the grocery store.

I just can't imagine *actually* pretending my child is doing nothing wrong, no matter how much I sometimes wish I could.

6/01/2006 2:43 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

That is (sadly) SO right on! My son plays hockey twice a week - FOR FUN - not because we see him winning the stanley cup in 20 years. The muffia there let their wee little children run rampant, up and down the bleachers, screaming and stepping all over people, and just ignoring juniors needs entirely. Not because they are BUSY watching the older kids play - no, they are too busy chit chatting amongst themselves. And then the dad has to stand RIGHT next to me video taping the game, and screaming directions to his son. ARGH!

6/21/2006 10:26 AM  

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