Muffia Meeting-Part Two

Dear WTMs, Sorry to not conclude the "two parter" yesterday but fell asleep (drooling) upright in a chair. Okay---so I am outside the meeting room listening in and waiting for a moment when I can break in to the all important meeting and humbly ask where pictures are being taken. Disclaimer: I knew some of the moms in this meeting----a few WT moms were in the muffy meeting hell, probably guilted into joining or just did not say no fast enough. Overheard in hallway: Anorexic fake tanned mom #1: Okay now we come to the issue of catering. Dean and Deluca were good for the salads but I received feedback from "Anorexic fake tanned mom #2" that the dessert tray last year was not up to par. White Trash Mom Commentary: I swear to God. She said "up to par". Read on. As soon as " mom #1" said the "par" comment, woman joined in the DEBATE with a heartfelt speech. This person had to be "Anorexic fake tanned mom #2": "Anorexic fake tanned mom #2", speaking in a "valley girl" voice: You know, it's just that, you know, Dean and Deluca was SO EXPENSIVE so their dessert tray and Muffy and I just REALLY feel that we need to MAKE A CHANGE this year, you know? White Trash Mom Commentary: Please note: I added in the third "you know" for dramatic effect----but the first two were absolutely real. I could NOT make it up. It was far too good. After the important speech by "Anorexic fake tanned mom #2", there was a general consensus that yes....a change needed to be made. Whew. Another mom, who I will call "Bigger Boned Mom wearing really expensive clothes and dripping in jewelry" chimed in with her suggestion: "Bigger Boned Mom wearing really expensive clothes and dripping in jewelry": Connie So and so...you guys know Connie, right...ANYWAY...has this incredible woman she uses for her parties and events. Her name is Xiena or Sylvia...whatever...she hardly speaks a word of English but she is SO SWEET....Anyway...I could get her number from Connie and we could see what she would charge for a desert tray.....Connie says she is dirt CHEAP...... White Trash Mom Commentary: Alot to translate here for those of you not skilled in Muffia communication. "Bigger Boned" mom was able to immediately NAME DROP (Connie So and So) to show her importance. Basically, when Bigger Boned mom was invited to parties at Connie's house (and most of the people in the room were not) she got the "inside" scoop on....DESSERTS. Impressive, yes? Bigger boned mom came up with the great idea of taking advantage of a woman that hardly speaks ENGLISH. Awesome idea for a CHURCH FUNDRAISER. Really cool. BTW, when I say "Bigger Boned" for this mom, I mean she was bigger for MUFFIA standards. That means she was probably a good size 8 or 10. It was right after "Big Boned Mom" commentary that my kids screeched: MOM, where do we need to go? Did you find out? Busted. I quickly ask for directions and I RAN away before I caught the eye of a friend of mine. I would have totally busted HER if I made eye contact. My WT Mom sister was doing her very best not to totally ROLL HER EYES at every comment made. WTMs, it's not like I SIT AROUND and try to bag on the muffies. You can't make up this stuff. It's like the BEG me to make fun of them and to tell you guys. I just can't help it......

Invasion of the MUFFIA meeting

Dear WTMs, Tonight we had pictures for the parish directory. Please keep in mind the following: 1)I take HORRIBLE posed pictures. I am making a statement of fact. More detail later. 2)Our appointment was for 830pm on Monday evening. We had to grab whatever slot we could because, being the WTM that I am, I did not sign up in time to get a reasonable time. More on the hellish picture session later because the headline of the day is this: I broke through a MUFFIA meeting tonight----I was able to overhear several minutes of the VERY IMPORTANT meeting before I was discovered and kicked out. There is a point to this post if you read on. Okay---so we had our appointment tonight for the parish directory. Since I did not sign up when the good times were available, we took our FUN FAMILY PICTURE at 830pm on a Monday night. My husband looked fine. The children looked like "Grapes of Wrath", type of of refugee look since they haven't had a hair cut since April. I NEVER miss my haircuts but have missed a hair weave so I look like "Pepe Lepew" with a big old BROWN root stripe in my hair (otherwise colored o so natural blonde). You get the picture ladies...it was a miracle we showed up. It was a miracle that we actually SHOWED UP-----so having the correct information and actually going to the correct location for the church picture would have taken ANOTHER miracle so OF COURSE we went to the wrong place for the pictures. IT WAS AT THE WRONG PLACE that I was able to crash the MUFFIA MEETING! It made the wrong location so worth it by being able to overhear the meeting. Dig if you will the picture: At 830pm on a MONDAY NIGHT in the SUMMER, there are women that are wearing DESIGNER sportswear. (Shudder). I love sportswear. I love expensive stuff. But I sure as hell am not wearing it if I am going to a meeting with a bunch of people on the "Committee for Sausage" or something equally as important. I am so sorry to cut the post off before giving you detail about the MUFFIA meeting. But I am exhausted and must give you details in the AM. Am going to be better at posting and would you all please give "TACKY PRINCESS" some grief for her lack of posting? I have nagged her repeatedly and it may help if she is "cyber-nagged". Thank you for your patience and I will post the details of the muffia meeting in the AM.

You can take the girl outta the country and more reasons for future therapy

Dear WTMs, I was raised in a city in the midwest near the Oklahoma/Kansas Border. There were two kinds of music that were available when I was growing up...country AND western. And there were LOTS and LOTS of what people call "Ditch Lillies". I have attached a picture of the ditch lilly that grew everywhere in my hometown. These are great flowers----they grow in the 100 degree, burning heat of summer, they don't need a lot of water and they are virtually impossible to kill. A perfect type of plant for my garden. I like to garden but I am not very good at it. You cannot find "ditch lillies" in a nursery and you really don't see them very much at all where I live now-----but these flowers are my favorites AND they remind me of "home". Every summer, I become obsessed about the ditch lilly plants whenever we travel to see grandma or if we are in the country (like last week to scout camp). I can spot a "ditch lilly" a mile away and I always threaten to stop and dig some up. The girls are so used to me ranting about ditch lillies and talking about how I am going to just stop the car on the highway and dig up a few....they ignore me. However, today, much to my younger daughter's complete horror----I STOPPED THE CAR just off a country road (not the inter-state highway) and DUG UP A FEW "Ditch Lillies" for my yard. FYI: I did not steal them---they were in a DITCH, hence the name, DITCH LILLY. Miss Minnesota/Margarita Girl was DYING. First she begged me to do it when she was "not in the car". She was doubly horrified because her big sister was NOT in the car with us----therefore SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE that had to suffer. I joke about being "WT" but I do have to say that stopping on the side of the road to dig up flowers is kinda WT----but I don't care. I've got my pretty orange flowers and I am planting them tommorrow. AND just because she complained....Miss Minnesota is going to help me. You can take the girl outta the country but you can't take the country outta the girl. Reason No. 457 why my kids will be in therapy.

WTM meets Girl Scout Camp

Dear WTMs, Sorry for lack of postings this week. I have been at Girl Scout Camp with my older daughter (the future film maker). Her troop and a few other troops in the area are the "helpers" at the little kid Girl Scout camp and then they also have their own camp. They are had a blast and the last day is today. I am not a camper. I like the outdoors but I like my outdoors to be:

• 70 degrees
• Sunny
• Bug free

As you can see, I am not the most "hardy" of campers. My older daughter is a total nature girl and loves to be outdoors in the woods. Thank God for my husband who takes her there and who has taught her camping skills. If it had been left up to me, she would only know how to call for Room Service. But "Miss Filmaker" and her buddies were able to help littler scouts as well as start fires (scary) and be in the forest with buddies. They are having a great time. So I helped out with camp. Two of the days I had to take "Miss Minnesota", my 8 year old with me as my "assistant". There is a point here, please read on. At the camp, all the girls have "camp names". They have names that they go by during the week (ex: wildflower or cricket) and at the end of the week the girls reveal their "real names" to the younger campers and to each other. It is part of the fun. I did not have a "camp name" as some of the moms did. I can barely remember my real name so having 39 girls call me some other name would just be useless. Miss Minnesota, since she helped me, had to pick her own camp name as well. Guess what name she picked? Margarita. You know, like the drink. Yes, that's right. My 8 year old chose an ALCOHOLIC DRINK for her camp name! Not a nice animal or flower. I had NO IDEA that she even knew the name Margarita, much less she wanted to be CALLED that name for her camp name. But once she said the name, that was it. So she was MARGARITA at camp. You should have been the wide eyes of the mothers when she proudly told everyone her camp name. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I asked her, after she had blurted out her "camp name" why she chose the name of an alcoholic drink. Her answer: I like the way it sounds. Daddy drinks Margaritas sometimes and he says I will probably like them when I am old enough to have one. Spoken with the logic of an 8 year old. I know that when my husband told her that she would probably like Margaritas, he was not talking about when she was 8. He was talking about when she was 25 or 26! But Miss Minnesota has always been a little ahead of schedule. Naturally, my 12 year old and her buddies thought this was SOOOO FUNNY and encouraged MARGARITA to tell as many grown-ups as possible. It was so much fun! Last day is today. I will report in again after it's over. If someone from camp did not HOTLINE me to social services. Then I won't be able to report until Monday.

Muffia Spy Invades Neighborhood

Dear WTMs My oldest daughter is in a tennis league this summmer. She plays for a local neighborhood pool and tennis place. The tennis league is made up a few country clubs, a few city park tennis clubs and a few neighborhood places. The purpose of this tennis league is to teach kids more about tennis, to get them to play more and to have fun. It is not ultra competitive and the emphasis is on learning the rules of tennis so you can play for life. Our little neighborhood pool and tennis place is kind of a throw back. It's hidden in a neighborhood not far from mine and it's awesome. It is not expensive to join, anybody can join and it's fun to go and hang out there. It is kind of a haven, I have found, for other WT moms and we have done this every summer for the last few years. I am going somewhere with this, I promise you. This week I found that our little WT haven has been invaded by...the Muffia. Right now, I have only seen ONE muffy but like mice, they tend to gather in groups. How did I spot her? Read carefully the list of signs below, WTMs: Number One Sign She was extremely obsessed with the RANKING of each player on the tennis team. She asked about 10 questions about this at the parent meeting to kick off the season. Number Two Sign She watched a few of the girls play a match after the meeting and then immediately went up to several of the moms after this match and tried to arrange a "challenge match" for her precious daughter. Note: The challenge matches are played to determine RANK/SKILL level. She only asked the moms of the younger kids and less skilled kids. Second note: The rules of the tennis league indicate that the CHILDREN WHO PLAY are supposed to set up their own matches. A good way to usually spot a MUFFIA mom is that that mom is doing more for their kid that they are supposed to. Number Three Sign A few of the moms were talking while kids were playing. This mom was very horrified to tell us that she...WORKED PART-TIME. Kind of like it was a disease. My WT pals and I chimed in that yea, we worked too or else no I used to but I don't right now. It's kind of a fact of life in my world, not a chronic disease to be ashamed of. I was 90% sure she was MUFFIA and then this past week, I knew it. See sign number 4. Number Four Sign At the first tournament of the season, I went along to watch. The daughter of the MUFFIA spy kept asking the score keeper mom about RANKING. After listening to the daughter ask endless questions about RANK, this sealed it for me. I knew that a muffia spy has entered our quiet little WT summer oasis. I am not against being competitive. I am competitive and I think that competition is a healthy thing. But when it bugs me and when I think it goes into "MUFFY" territory is when the competitive aspects of a sport (ie: Tennis) override the PURPOSE of the sport's venue (ie: JUNIOR FUN LEAGUE TENNIS). Apparently this mom did not get the memo that this league is a beginners type of thing, designed to have fun and teach the rules and MANNERS that go along with the game. I plan to call an emergency WTM meeting with some of the other moms later this weekend to discuss the spy situation. There will be plenty of beer and cold frozen drinks served at this gathering so that we can better plot: 1)How to turn this mom to the light or 2)Run her out of our oasis. If we can't turn her away from the dark side, we need to drive her out. The muffia rule our schools during the year, I don't want any at my summer hangout. I will update you ladies on this serious situation. Wish me luck.

Beginning of Summer Wars

Dearest WTMs, Sorry for lame posts last week. I have been deep in the trenches of the Summer Wars. The first two weeks of the vacation are always a little rough for our family. School ends and the girls have the insane idea that:

• They have a full-time maid for the Summer (me)
• They can play "Off-Road" for Playstation 2 and watch TV all day long
• They are entitled to nothing but FUN FUN FUN for the next 90 days

Needless to say, this fantasy world is shattered EARLY in the vacation but I always have to do a little "Boot Camp" type of reality check for the girls at the start of Summer. My behavior modification program is pretty simple, I am sure you are familiar with the methods.

1. Yell alot about how we live in complete squalor. As you scream, use examples of how gross the house is by taking old sandwiches out from under their beds or making them look at all the dog hair in the see-through vacum cleaner.

2. Force them to make piles of items that they have not touched in the last 2 years. If they have not used it, touched it in 2 years, it goes in the Garage Sale pile. Do not be swayed by tears for the broken EZ Bake Oven that Grandma gave them. Either use it, throw it out or sell it at the yard sale. If it is old and nice enough, give it to charity.

3. Forced outside labor. Weeding, helping plant stuff, help with yard work.
4. Repeat some of the things your mom used to say to you. It's really a form of brainwashing but I have found it works nicely to get them out of the fantasy world that my entire job over the vacation is to play "cruise director" for them. My favorite mantras are as follows:

• One of the reasons parents HAVE children is so they will do chores! Don't believe me?
• Call Mrs._____________(insert name of a WT Mom friend). She'll tell you.
• If your attitude continues, we can just start going to 815 mass EVERY DAY. I'd love it.
• Where is the phone book? I want to check into Summer School for you guys if you are so bored.
• If you are that bored, perhaps you could call Great Aunt Cassie. I'm sure her 17 cats need some attention...you could spend ALL DAY with her. I'll get my keys.
• I am sure Susie's mother IS a way nicer mom than me. If you would like to do EVERYTHING Susie does, let's call Susie's mom and get the name of Susie's Oboe teacher. I am sure you'd love that.

I hope you guys don't think I am total beast. I do love having them home, away from schedules of school. But it takes a few weeks to break them into the reality of summer.