Pink Flamingo Crisis

Happy Halloween. Or Happy HELL-O-WEEN as I like to say. Only a few more hours until our kids will be high on so much pure sugar they will take a week to "detox". WTMs, there is a WT crisis going on that you may or may not be aware of. I am talking about...the Pink Flamingo crisis.

On this day of Halloween, we all need to take a moment and reflect on the closing of the company that produced the ORIGINAL plastic pink flamingo. The pink flamingo, a WT cultural icon beloved by shallow and tacky Americans everywhere...is on it's way to extinction. I don't need to tell my WT readers what a serious matter this is.

Here is the story about the pink flamingo crisis, from one of my favorite websites, IMPROBABLE.com.

Read the info at Improbable.com but to sumarize: Union Products Inc., the original manufacturer of the plastic pink flamingo, will close its doors by Nov. 1, according to the company’s president.

It's a dark day in WT America my friends. Pop open a cold one right now in your trailer and remember the good times.

Dear Abby vs White Trash Mom

Good Afternoon to all the WTMs:

Today I read DEAR ABBY. Here is one of the letters with her reply. After you read her reply, please read White Trash Mom's reply. I am confident that you guys will agree with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.

The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."

My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"

What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO

Here is the reply from DEAR ABBY:

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.

There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.

Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.

DEAR ABBY has been giving good advice for years. I can't say that her advice is not good. However, White Trash Mom, has a little different, a more DIRECT approach communicating with "Anxious Dad" about his creepy dad and mom.

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Quit being a wuss! Your dad and mom, while I am sure they don't realize it, are being totally creepy. Okay---I am being NICE when I say that they don't realize it. They probably DO REALIZE it and they don't care! People that say things like "Children Don't HAVE Boundaries" make me break into hives.

I question whether or not you have explored all the "issues" that you have with your dad, if he comes up and GRABS YOU and you don't feel comfortable----and you're a grown man. Think of how bad it makes your little girl feel!

Get a backbone for God's sakes! If it creeps you out-----it has to really upset your daughter! I understand you don't want to create conflict but the creepy parents you have are acting like bullies-----and bullies respond ONLY to force. I understand that things change with generations but they don't respect you or your family. Protect your daughter.

Muffia Headquarters-DISCOVERED!

Dear WTMs, I now know the location of "the muffia" headquarters. The evil ones operate at a small, out-of-the-way grocery store and deli, near my favorite liquor store. Read on for details....if you dare. I went to my favorite liquor store today to stock up on my best friend, SENOR PATRON. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's been a MONDAY. I took a proactive approach and decided to go to the liquor store early in the week. Monday, after all, is close to the weekend. If you look at it from a certain point of view. My favorite liquor store is not that close to my house BUT they are nice and most important....they take checks. A key factor when dealing with a WT shopper like me. After writing a sizable check for SENOR PATRON and other "friends", I decide to dash in to a nearby grocery store. It's not my usual grocery...this store is a little smaller, more "exclusive" than the coupon palace that I usually frequent. When I entered the store....my WTM instincts went into high gear. I sensed...DANGER. Despite the fact that I had showered AND groomed today, the muffia immediately knew that someone from the outside, someone NOT from the mothership, had invaded their territory. I even looked a bit "muffy-esqe" today in my pants, shirt and sweater. But all the same, the evil ones knew that I was a WTM. My smart ass smirk and really brown hair "roots" were a dead giveaway. As I quickly walked through the store, grabbing my ding dongs and fruit roll ups, the muffia silently watched me. Unlike most of them, I actually had to be somewhere. So I raced down the aisles, at lighting speed and then I noticed....I swear to GOD I am not kidding...one of the "Queens" was following me. Really. Queen Buffy was by far the loudest of the crew and I knew she was one of the leaders because only a leader could dress that badly! I could hear her from two aisles over discussing the "hellish remodel" that she currently has going on-----and she was wearing a paint spattered shirt(multi-color coordinated) and sweats to prove how DIFFICULT her remodeling was going. Anyway---"QB" followed me, I kid you not, for over two aisles. She started by the frozen foods and was on my ass all the way to the coffee and bread section. As I was in the check line and I could see the door, I decided to get a little SASSY. I spoke directly to the muffia mom and her toddlers in front of me. WTM: Your daughter is really sweet. How old is she? MUFFIA MOM AT CHECKOUT: (Has "deer in the headlights" look on her face, panics and looks around ) Chesterfield is 18 months. Barley is 3 years. WTM: She'll be grown up and living with her boyfriend Steve in his conversion van before you know it. HAVE NICE DAY!

If Shopping is a Disease, I'm Terminal.

Dear WTMs, Apparently compulsive shopping is more common than anxiety or depression, according to a new study released by doctors at Stanford University. The study says that 1 in 20 adults suffer from an addiction to shopping. There are some medical professionals that want to classify shopping addiction as a true medical disorder----right up there with Bi-Polar Depression! Yippee! Good news for the white trash credit card chargers (like me)! The cherry on the cake of this NEWS story about "shopping addiction" comes from one of the best ever sources for American life, "NEWS OF THE WEIRD".

When Lucille Schenk finally sought help for compulsively buying jewelry, New York psychologist April Lane Benson advised her to have a "conversation" with the jewelry before she made her next purchase, as a way to put some distance between herself and her compulsion. "I would say, ‘You are so beautiful, I can’t live without you; I love the way you sparkle,’" recalled Schenk, 62, in an interview. "The jewelry would say back, ‘You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.’ I would say, ‘I do need you. I can’t possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can’t afford a penny more.’"

There is really nothing to say in response, is there? I have an idea for Ms. Schenk. Next time she has an urge to purchase jewelry, she could just pay ME the money and I COULD TALK TO HER (instead of the jewelry).

White Trash Mom Flunks Out

Dear WTMs, If I had to go back to 7th grade and if I had to take 7th grade math-----I would flunk out. Completely. My 7th grader, at her great new school, gets hellacious math homework. I am not only NOT a HELP to my daughter with her 7th grade math homework questions-----my advice actually caused her to miss several questions on a test. I am 43...and I can't do 7th grade math. This should not be a surprise since I totally stink at math and if not for Microsoft Excel® and a calculator...I would pretty much be locked out of a job. But this year, it's not like I can even look up the concept and help her with the problem she's stuck on. Now I look up stuff and I misunderstand it---and I tell her to do it incorrectly. HELP! OMG, I feel so very stupid. I really do. Last night there was some hellish math AND then some science FORMULAS. By her bedtime, I needed a Tylenol PM. My head was pounding. Give me your wisdom, WT sisters and brothers. I need to hear some good news. I need to hear that I am not the only one that would actually flunk 7th grade.

You Can't Fix Stupid

Dear WTMs, Per one of my favorite blogs, CeleBITCHY, an update on Britney's husband, K-Fed: Here’s K-Fed partying it up in Vegas. As D-Listed points out, that stupid custom bling looks like a Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie. Page Six reports that philandering K-Fed, who is currently partying with random women while his wife tends to their one year-old and newborn baby. The gurus at CeleBITCHY go on to tell us that K-FED will make about $10 million bucks if he and Brit split. I feel the need to write Britney a letter from her mentor, WT Mom. Stay tuned.

Debby and her monkey can't eat at Crackerbarrel

In September, following complaints of diners, the health department in Springfield, Mo., notified restaurants that Debby Rose's "assistance monkey" could not be permitted to dine with her! The harsh health department officials said that Debby's "assistance monkey" could NOT sit next to her in a high chair at local restaurants,even though Rose said she suffers from a disabling social phobia!

Apparently, Debby's phobia is only helped if she can have "Richard" with her. "Richard", who is a bonnet macaque monkey, is the only reason Debby can go out to Cracker Barrel or whatever other restaurant she chooses. Monkeys are generally permitted under the Americans with Disabilities Act if they perform certain tasks, as capuchin monkeys have been trained to fetch groceries from shelves for wheelchair-using patrons. However, animals that provide only emotional support fall into a gray area, according to a U.S. Justice Department spokesperson quoted by the Springfield News-Leader. [ABC News-AP, 9-16-06]

Two questions: WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS NAMED DEBBY? Why in the name of God did the restaurants allow DEBBY to bring in a flea ridden monkey into their establishments? EW!

Plain Jane Mom

Dear WTMs, Found another cool blog. PLAIN JANE MOM. Check out her recent entry about the idiot parents that park in front of the fire hydrant at school drop-off.

ANOTHER day where some mom parks in front of the fire hydrant at preschool. Good lord people, don’t you get it? I don’t want my kids on fire. If you want that for your kids, please take care of it on your own time.

And then she gets all mad when I very politely mention that she’s in front of the hydrant. In fact, I’ve gotten quite good at this little spiel because I do it about once a month. And that is just the folks who do this when I happen to be there.

Sigh, can you guess how popular I am at this school?

Get this gal a margarita with my best friend, SENOR PATRON! Go here to check out Plain Jane Mom.

WTM Blog Updates

I know just enough web stuff to be dangerous. In my attempts to make the blog more readable, I put the "Official" WTM blogroll on another page. I also have a "HALL OF FAME" (or in the case of those not happy with WTM love...a hall of SHAME). See links to these pages in the sidebar. I also plan to add other pages but I am sure that I will procrastinate so I dare not give details. BTW-does anyone know how to change the COLOR of the font in the SIDEBAR on blogger? I can't do it. If you do, will you please let me know? If you can speak in small words it will help. Thanks and will chat later. Note-If you blog is missing from the "official" blog roll, please know it is operator error and will be back up soon. If it's not back up soon, please let me know. Not that many people consider it an honor to be on WTM's blogroll so if you one of the few, the proud, the brave---let me know!