The Rosary Problem and Help from WTMs

Dear WTMs, As I have told you, I am a room mother at my daughter's school. The room mother gig is actually an excellent "WTM" job as it is a "high profile, low workload" in terms of the volunteer ROI matrix. There are just certain times that it is a pain in the rear, like last week. We have a school auction this year and each classroom makes things for the auction. Naturally, since two of the three room mothers in my daughter's class are "WTMs", the head of the auction committee had to call and "suggest" a project to me. It was "suggested" that our class do a Rosary. There are about 60 beads on a Rosary and so the "suggestion" was that each of the children make two beads for the Rosary. Fine. I go into the classroom just before Christmas, and the little monsters each make two beads for the Rosary. I won't even TELL you what was in some of these beads. Can anyone say BOOGER? So then I pass off to the other WTM Room Mom, who bakes the damn Rosary beads. Then she gives them back to me before Christmas in a baggie, where they sit on my desk until last week. At pick-up last week, a muffia mother than I have spoken to twice in 5 years, BOUNCES up to me and tells me that "if I need any help with the classroom project" to call her. WARNING: This is muffia code for "Get your damn Rosary turned in to the Muffia/Auction committee or you will be punished", for those of you who are not familiar with muffia code. You know what my last month has been like----I am totally crazed. In a total panic, I call one of my WTM pals who is also very crafty and creative. She comes through with flying colors, assembles the Rosary and it's done. HA! Thanks to another WTM, I have lived another day to foil the evil muffia! The best part is that a few of the muffia sons and daughters have their boogers in the very special Rosary.

Pardon Me, But Could You Please Pay Me For This?

So, I've been out of the "strictly corporate" world for over five years now. And little by little, I have been sucked into the twisted world of volunteerism. Don't get me wrong. I like to do my part, and because I am only working part-time now, I can. HOWEVER, when your volunteer commitments consume every waking moment of every freakin' day, something has gone terribly wrong. Am I right? Correct me if I'm way off base here, but in the last week, my volunteer jobs have been totally kicking my ass - pardon the potty mouth. It's late, I'm tired, and my great big white trash bed is beckoning. And yes, I know I have only myself to blame. But here's the thing. The two big volunteer gigs that I have going on right now weren't supposed to be coming to a head concurrently. Not even close. Murphy's Law has got me over a barrel, and now there's nothing I can do.What's a Tacky Princess like moi to do besides whine?! Or is that WINE?! (I've already tried that, and it's just making me sleepier!) So, let me lay the scene here. We were on vacation, which is why I had to take a little Blog-atus. Sorry for that. I missed you, too! In the bad old days of my corporate life, I remember taking a week of vacation all at once and coming home only to regret it. You know, because of all of the "make-up work" to be done once I got back. It really sucked. Well, that's what this is like, but EXCUSE ME! I'm not even getting paid! So, I return to 12 phone messages, and that was just the people that didn't know I was gone. Now "officially" back, I've been getting about 5 messages every hour and a half that I am away from the phone. When I tried to return the calls in the order received yesterday, I got held up on the second one. It was a 3 hour call! Is that possible? I don't think I've ever been on the phone that long, even when I was totally in lust with my crush in the 9th grade! Who talks on the phone that long? (Apparently, ME!) So - at what point, do you start to wonder if you could get paid for this free labor? My sister-in-law once figured up what she saved her family by staying at home instead of working outside of the home and having to have more done for hire. She got herself up well over $30,000 a year, and that was about ten years ago. I remember thinking that was impossible, but she showed me her figures, and it truly made sense. She really did save her family money. I swear I'll never volunteer for anything EVER again! (Yes, you may remind me of this next fall when the sign-up sheets come out once more!) It's too late for this school year, but I am determined not to get sucked into the volunteer abyss next year. Determined, I say! In reviewing my calendar early this week, I thought to myself, "Well, I'll probably have to skip book club this month. No time for that." That was before I got this message: "Hey, just wanted to make sure you realized that you signed up to host book club tomorrow night!" OMG! Is this really my life? My Christmas tree is still up and has dropped more needles than any tree I have ever seen before. Today (and I am not kidding), I swept up about half a paper grocery sack's worth of pine needles. Unbelievable. My hubby, naturally, is OOT. Before he left on Monday, he actually said these words to me. "Hey, if you want to get the tree outside (What do I look like, Xena, the Warrior?), here's what you can do." Foolishly proceeding past my look of death, he advised, "Just take a hacksaw (uh-huh, for real...) and cut off the top three or four feet of the tree. That way, you can easily haul it out in two or three smaller chunks." OK, I know I'm too much of a kept woman, but you've got to be kidding me! Like I didn't have enough to do without worrying about getting the 8 foot, hundred twenty pound tree out to the curb. That was the least of my worries. I told him that could be on his Honey Do list when he returned. It's already dropped like 123 million needles. Naturally, I wanted it to drop the rest of them right there in our living room. And let me just add here, remember how I was going to give you advice on getting organized after the holidays? Well, we'll still get to that. But suffice it to say that tonight before my book club, I had to pull an Elaine (refer to previous blog entry!). There's a huge box of crap in my garage that now must be sorted through. But the inside of the house wound up looking pretty spiffy in spite of me! WTM'ing at its finest, if I do say so myself. Now if I can just get a little sleep! How many times is too many to press snooze? And is taking the kids to McDonald's for breakfast three days in a row really that bad? Would four be the end of the world? I'll keep you posted! Cheers!

More Reasons for Future Therapy for Kids

Dear WTMs, I know I promised spook patrol lessons this week but have to blog about an incident involving my older daughter. I am certain this will be remembered at her therapist's office in later life when she blames me for everything (and she will, as we ALL KNOW...IT IS ALWAYS THE MOTHER'S FAULT). So my 12 year old had her friends over the other day and they decided to make a movie. They needed some action figures for their masterpiece so they wanted to borrow my younger daughters BARBIES. Knowing that this could incite a riot in my house later in the evening, I told them that they could use the two naked barbies that were in the bathroom (these are her "swim" dolls that little sis takes a bath with) AND that I would like them use one of the dolls that I have on my web site, white trash palace. Here is the catch---the doll on WTP is a PREGNANT BARBIE-LIKE DOLL named TRAILER TRASH TURLEEN. See picture above. This was one of my best sellers over the holiday as you push her tummy and she says things like:

• There's a TWISTER comin'!
• Pour me a double, I'm Drinkin' Fer Two!
• BURP.

I instantly regret the offer of "Turleen" for use in the MOVIE. Older sis is kind of horrified. "Nice, mom. REAL nice". I really know this was a bad idea when one of her friends says: "Oh, you gave my mom and dad one of those dolls. But they said that I couldn't play with it because it's not appropriate for kids". Strike two. While my older daughter at first is horrified (I guess having pregnant white trash barbies hanging around the house is not the norm) she and her buddies naturally use the doll in their movie. The masterpiece, at theatres in a few years, is called "Bobby Joe's Big Day". It is complete with Ozark-like characters inspired by the WT Turleen doll. It is actually quite twisted and funny. So...it situations like this one that I am grateful that my own mom is passed away. If she had any idea that I shopped for "Jon Bene" dresses for little girl to wear on Halloween and let big girl use Trailer Park dolls for movie props, she would probably D-I-E.