Tuesday, October 10, 2006

House of Appliance Hell

Tacky Princess here. Back from the depths. Of family drama. And computer hell. And currently (and always...) living in House of Appliance Hell (hereafter referred to as HAH!). You see, it's not enough that we live in an old house. OK, not ancient. But old enough that it has continual problems, as older homes will have (need a new furnace, need to fix the foundation, need to fix the roof...you get the idea - not cheap stuff.). And we keep up with those, 'cuz' we like to stay warm and safe and dry (and we don't want our neighbors to egg our house...). But Lord, almighty, the appliances...I don't know anyone who has the luck we have with appliances.

In a few shy of 20 years of marriage (child bride), we have managed to blow through:

  • 4 Coffee Makers
  • 4 Toasters (and none of them really worth a damn, including the current model)
  • 4 mini vac's (and that's saying something since we've had outside help with our cleaning for the last 14 years...)
  • 4 Electric mixers
  • 4 can openers
  • 4 microwaves (one actually CAUGHT ON FIRE - that was our signal it needed to be replaced!)
  • 3 Dishwashers (one actually CAUGHT ON FIRE - no that's not a misprint - it, too, caught on fire - different house - different occasion - sparks flying out of dishwasher)
  • 3 Irons
  • 3 Waffle Irons
  • 2 Griddles
  • Oh! And we can't forget the untold numbers of cordless phones. OMG! I'd be willing to wager that we've gone through a minimum of 14 cordless phones. That's almost one per year. Unbelievable. I continually find myself saying, "I'm sorry, could you hang on while I switch to a different cordless? This is the old one we bought three months ago, and it is just shot." Which is met with, "Oh, yeah, I was going to say: You sound like you're in a can... You keep cutting in and out... Are you calling from the UK? Are you on your cell? You sound like you're in a tunnel...in a vacuum...in a box." You get the picture. Very pleasant. And this on a 3 month old phone.

Generally speaking, we buy name brands, and most of the time, I even do a little research before we buy. After all, when you live in the HAH!, you can never be too cautious. But it doesn't seem to matter. Everything breaks.

There is one exception. Old Faithful. Our washer. From 1892. Uh huh. 1892. It came with our first house. The seller was marrying a sugar daddy, and he already had the best of everything, so she no longer needed her top drawer 1892 Roper. Yep. Roper. Ever heard of it? We hadn't either. We figured it probably wouldn't even make it when we moved it to our second house, but lo and behold, we hooked Old Faithful up, and she started going - full blast. It wasn't until she got to the spin cycle that we noticed something was a little off. Well, that might be a bit of understatement. Let's see. How shall I describe it?

Think back to your days of the pre-college exam. ACT...SAT. Now, remember on the SAT - the verbal section? Come on, dig back. You can do it. Exercise that old gray matter! OK, are you with me? S-T-R-E-T-C-H! OK, Verbal section - Analogies. I know, college was a long time ago. But this is fun, right?! Here we go...

Rock concert is to World War III as Tacky Princess's washer is to a Boeing 737 taking off

Have you wrapped your brain around that one? Are you getting the mental picture? Since we moved over 10 years ago, our washer has sounded like a Boeing 737 taking off outside of our kitchen (where the laundry room is). Now, I'm all for having the laundry on the first floor, but if you heard this washer...

If someone happens to be doing laundry when we have guests over, and the spin cycle comes on...OMG! The alarmed look that comes across their faces. You can tell they are sure that we are under terrorist attack. All conversation must cease. The floor / furniture / windows shake. The CD that's turning might even skip. When the cycle is over, we calmly explain the situation. Our guests give us that "you poor saps" look and politely excuse themselves. Why, you might ask, don't we replace it? Well, it WORKS fine. It's just noisy (and annoying) as hell. There are other ailing appliances in the HAH! that demand our immediate attention (and monies...). So, how can we justify $600 or $800 for another new one unnecessarily?

And when my Big Strong Man is out of town...well...let's just say, it can keep a girl company, if you know what I mean. HA!


Blogger Robin said...

You might want to try KitchenAid appliances. They seem to last longer.

Cordless phones are a big scam. They're all crap.

10/10/2006 6:13 AM  
Blogger LLA said...

Sounds like we have the same kind of luck with microwaves and cordless phones - and for me, hairdryers!

And, funnily enough, my *stove* is a Roper. There is one burner that has never worked since we bought the house 14 years ago. We said that when something else on it started to go, we'd replace it, but the remaining three are still going strong. Plus, there's always something else breaking that needs our attention - the house is 98 years old!

10/10/2006 6:32 AM  
Blogger ^starshine said...

I have a Maytag that does the same thing. It sounds like it is going to take off and come crashing through the wall.

10/10/2006 10:54 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

None of my appliances ever last very long, either. I dont even have an old faithful appliance. The oldest thing I have (besides my cars) is the tv I purchased in 1991.

10/10/2006 4:00 PM  
Anonymous Kate the Shrew said...

Modern appliances really are mostly designed to last just past their 1 year warranty. Though, I don't know, it sounds like you guys give off funky EM fields, or something! By all means, keep your washer, that thing will never die.

I love my cordless phone. I've had two in the last 15 years, they've both worked beautifully. I'd still be using the first one, except I forgot and left it off the hook while out of town once, and the battery died-- the replacements just wouldn't hold a charge well. Both phones were Panasonic.

10/12/2006 11:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mine does the same thing...we adjusted one of the legs on the bottom and it quit for about 4 months, then the legs got uneven again. The thing weighs 3759 lbs, so we said f#$% it and just let the house fall down around us.

Seriously...our ceiling just caved in. I win. LOL

10/12/2006 12:15 PM  
Blogger The White Peacock said...

You have a 100+ year old appliance that still works?! I guess they really don't make them like they used to, huh?

10/13/2006 2:08 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

I know how you feel. We live in a Victorian house and we have nicknamed it "The House Where Appliances Come to Die". Nice, huh? But all the appliances that come here die fairly quickly.

Cordless phones usually don't last a year. We are on our fourth computer and our fifth coffee maker. Vacuum cleaners don't last long either. I had one of those catch on fire!

10/15/2006 5:37 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I love my Panosonic Cordless we have had it for 4 years.

I have a Bosch washer can't hear it at all it was about $500 dollars. So worth it!!!!

I really love your sense od humor!!!

Take care

10/18/2006 2:43 PM  

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