Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tracking Muffia at 8th Grade Graduation

OK, the Queen has given you a few survival tips for summer vacation. But I'm still in a time warp. And I know that many of you have not yet reached the end of your school year, as we have. And many of you are not even close (lucky!) to the perils of the 8th grade graduation. But trust me when I tell you. The advice I am about to impart will undoubtedly come in handy. Be it next week, next year or 10 years from now. Mark my white trash words, ladies. You will thank me. So, get out your pens. Warm up your printers. Do whatever it is that psychs you up for getting learnt! 'Cuz' you got it here first...The first installment of... Tracking the Muffia at 8th Grade Graduation No matter what comment comes out of Muffy's mouth during graduation week, you can count on this. It is veiled and not even close to what it first appears to mean. Let's dissect a few of the doozies I heard just last week... Mitzee: "So, your daughter's going to ABC Academy next year?" (ABC could refer to public school, private school, the zoo or even rehab...) Tacky Princess: Yes. She's so excited! Mitzee: "Are you concerned about the ..." (fill in the blank here..."boys, lack of boys, Christianity, homosexuals, drugs, test scores" - you get the picture.) TP: "Um, no, not really. Like I said, she's excited, and we're excited for her. They have a great reputation." Mitzee: "Oh, honey. (looks both ways, like she's going to tell a big secret) 'Cuz' I was reading the other day about how ABC Academy has dropped in ALL - I'm not kidding - ALL - of their test scores." Like I said, it doesn't matter which school you've chosen, she'll just go right in for the kill. Here's another one. Lindeigh: "I saw that Darling Daughter got that award for academic excellence." TP: (guarded) Yes, we're very proud of her. Lindeigh: "She must be a total brainiac!" TP: Well, she's a smart girl, but she works really hard to get the grades. Lindeigh: "Well, yes, when you don't have all those sports and other activities interfering with your study time..." (doesn't matter if she played year-round - just ignore and move on...) And yet another example: Lynda: "Oh, I saw that your daughter made the freshman volleyball/basketball/softball/soccer (whatever!) team at ABC Academy for next year." TP: Yes, she's very excited. (You see how I keep my answers short and to the point?) Lynda: I didn't even know they had a freshman team. TP: (leary, but taking the bait...) Yes, I guess they do. Lynda: My daughter Penny Perfecto went straight to JV, then dressed for Varsity. (Well, yippee kay ay for her!) TP: Wow, that's awesome. Lynda: Yes, and she's on the drill team, pep club and bimbo's society, too! TP: Oh, excuse me, Lynda, I think I see... SOMEONE...(disappear) One more if you're not already asleep...I started this exchange - foolish girl... TP: Hi, Suzi. I saw that your daughter got the President's Citizenship Award this year . That's incredible (especially since she's already slept with half the 8th grade...). Suzi: YES, WE COULDN'T BE MORE PLEASED!!!!! TP: How does one qualify for that? Suzi: Oh, it was a rigorous process. She had to know everyone in the class really well (no kidding...), and she had to be well liked by her peers (both sexes or just the one?). And then, she had to have a good GPA on top of it (so, the fact that she blatantly cheated on every math, science and social studies test wouldn't really come into play, then?). Overall, she just had to be a great kid. TP: Got it. (Run like hell.) OK, this is just the beginning. Next time, look for "Setting Up For the Graduation Party with the Muffies". Oh, yeah, it's a winner. "Should we put the lamps on this side of the table or this one? Let's try it both ways and take a little VOTE. Wait. I think they need a stronger bulb. Does anyone have a 60 watt bulb in their bag?" (Are you kidding me? Oh, yes, I think it's right here next to my WD-40, socket wrench and Clinique Happy!...)

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doesn't every town have these MILF wannabes? They are truly laughed at...they just don't know it, what with being too busy looking down their collective noses at us WTMs!

I just stumbled upon your blog and have added you to my favorites. I know I'm gonna like it here!

5/24/2006 9:46 PM  
Blogger ballerinamommy said...

That is hilarious. My children are toddler and preschool age, so I can't wait for the "they're going to kindergarten WHERE? I heard their test scores went waaayy down" from the Muffia. ha ha ha!!!

5/25/2006 5:43 AM  
Blogger NeverEnough said...

I've learned a few things! Thanks for the info :)

5/25/2006 5:59 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Oh my gosh - I'm exactly where you are. It's a nightmare!!!

"Oh, you didn't opt for the hummer stretch limo?"

Puh-leeze!

5/25/2006 7:53 AM  
Anonymous standing still for once said...

We live in a suburb predominated by muffia. Our street is within another community's school district -- very good district, and very diverse, i.e., real life vs. country club life of our city's district. When parents in our school district approach me about how I like our district vs. the city district (higher per capita income by about a million), and they whisper, "What about all the racial differences, does that cause a problem." I lean in real close and whisper back, "Where I come from, a statement like that is called racism. I prefer not to teach my child racism. It doesn't come in handy during adulthood."

Zing.

5/25/2006 9:47 AM  
Blogger jennster said...

lol @ mark your white trash words.. there is something so beautiful in that. lol

5/25/2006 12:41 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

I'm with ballerinamommy -- I have been dealing with these kind of comments from other moms since preschool. I suppose it'll continue on until my daughter puts *me* in a home -- only *she'll* be the one who has to listen to them!

5/25/2006 5:50 PM  
Anonymous Jane A said...

(Note: this comment was originally written to a post on BusyMom, http://www.busymom.net but, damn, Muffia encounters seem to be happening everywhere...)

(Additionally, when this happened last week, I had barely recovered from High School graduation Muffia encounters)

My 13-year-old daughter was invited to a farewell party for a classmate trhis week, and it was held at a VERY toney country club. I arrived with an item that one of the other girls left behind, and two moms were there, stretched out on lounge chairs - the party-giver's mom and the other driver.

When I told them why I had come, Other Driver said (and this is a direct quote - it is burned into my memory)
[in a Very Southern drawl, y'all]"Oh thanks, Jane, you can put it right there," (dismissive wave of the hand) and immediately returned to complaining about the color scheme in the dining room of HER country club.

I said "You know I'm a bit hot and tired - I think I'll sit down for a bit." I listened to them discuss their favorite vacation spots, how they screen the renters of the vacation places they own, the difficulty of getting a good "beach bike" at said vacation spots, etc. until I thought I was gonna puke.

I finally left when Other Driver began to complain about how some girls in the class "exclude" other girls, and express her total wonderment at how they can be so ill-behaved: "Their parents need to teach them better."

6/05/2006 4:11 PM  
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