Wednesday, April 12, 2006

You Know Your Daughter Is A Teenager If...

OK, some of you may not quite be there yet, but frankly, when my first-born was six, I remember thinking, "OMG, if she's already like this at six, what can we expect at 13?" I'm here to enlighten you, ladies. It's not always pretty, and it's often NOT fun, but here is my list of the... Top 10 Ways to Tell If Your Daughter Is a Teenager
  • Number Ten - She can't speak to you without her eyes rolling around in her head - incessantly.
  • Number Nine - As her mother, not only do you no longer know anything, apparently you are so mentally retarded that you can't be trusted even to speak in the presence of anyone she knows.
  • Number Eight - If you are wearing it, it is out of fashion. Period.
  • Number Seven - She can no longer even make eye contact with you when she sees you at school, let alone give you a hug or acknowledge your existence in any way. (Never mind that her friends come right up to you and give you hugs.)
  • Number Six - The "getting ready" time (read: face time in front of the old looking glass, not including shower or getting dressed) exceeds thirty minutes.
  • Number Five - If she is accompanying you anywhere in public, she can only walk in front of you or behind you - but never BESIDE you.
  • Number Four - She owns more lipgloss than Barbie dolls.
  • Number Three - American Girl, Disney Kids and Hillary Duff - OUT; Seventeen, Cosmo Girl and Pink - IN
  • Number Two - It may have pimples, snap bras and eat glue, but if it has a "y" chromosome, it (ok, HE) is "hot", which is no longer a temperature.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that your daughter has left the relative safety of little girlhood and has entered the glorious stage of TEENAGER...

  • Her head regularly spins about upon her neck anytime you speak, look at her or are in her general vicinity.

Scoring: Of the above statements, if you relate to...

None - Rest easy. You've got a little longer. Take her to Club Libby Lu for a new do.

One or Two - Beware. She will soon hang up her bike helmet.

Three or Four - All is not yet lost, but she is heading down the slippery slope toward mall "dates" and the back row of the movies.

Five or Six - Danger, Will Robinson! The Teenybopper stage is in full swing, and it will only get worse from here.

Seven or Eight - Make a stiff martini.

Nine or Ten - She wants to shop for her underwear at Victoria's Secret (uh, excuse me?). She's got more makeup than toys and spends more time in front of the mirror than outside. She borrows your stuff without asking, doesn't return it (or if she does, it's wrinkled, dirty or, best yet, ruined), and she looks way better in it than you EVER did. Her looks literally stop traffic, and you even catch guys your own age looking at her in a creepy way. Face it. It's over. She's a goner. Fully in the grip of the teenage nightmare.

All you can do now is PRAY. And eat chocolate. Lots of it. Small comfort, but you've got to do something, right? And let me just say, "Mom, I'm so sorry for all of the things I said and did when I was a teenager. You really weren't as old-fashioned and horrible as I said you were. And thanks for loving me anyway. And you know what? You were right. When I grew up, I did have kids of my own who I would tell me the same things you told me." Who'd of thunk it? Go figure.

24 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

I'm SO glad I have a boy! But today I looked at him and realized I don't think I'll ever feel ready for him to grow up...

4/12/2006 11:32 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Don't forget that their voice takes on a screeching quality that will make your ears bleed everytime you say 'no' or ask them to do something she doesn't want to do.

4/12/2006 12:45 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

We are SO in the thick of it!

4/12/2006 1:23 PM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

My Mom raised three daughters. And didn't kill any of us. Who knows how.

4/12/2006 4:36 PM  
Blogger R. Robyn said...

great post! the hot pink is very hard to read against the white background though.

4/13/2006 1:17 AM  
Blogger Sharpie said...

I'm off to make myself a Chocolate Martini...anyone else? My daughter is 8!! And I checked off 8 on that list. Crap. Make it a double.

4/13/2006 6:54 AM  
Blogger BlondeMom said...

Oh God...my daughter is going to be 4 in June and I'm already witnessing some diva type personality traits. Maybe if I start drinking now...?

4/13/2006 11:25 AM  
Blogger moe said...

ROLL the eyes, ROLL, I think they're gonna ROLL right out her head! And I'm NOT THAT DUMB no matter what she thinks. AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH! Maybe I should start acting like a teenager. That'd show her! Oh yeah I love my daughter. She just... just... sigh This too shall pass right?

4/13/2006 11:47 AM  
Blogger tacky princess said...

When my little princess was 8, I took her shopping for new jeans. She wanted "flares". I said, no problem. So, I held a pair up, and I got the "You are dumber than the slowest kid in the slow class, Mom" look, and she actually said to me...and I quote: "Do you even know what flares ARE?"

To which I replied, "Kid, I was wearing flares when I was 4 years old."

Eight-year-old know-it-all drops her jaw, and says, "Wow...you are SOOOO lucky!"

Once again, I was cool for about ten minutes! :)

4/13/2006 1:44 PM  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

hahah pink is cool
but it is not hot its hawt (hehe)

4/13/2006 4:00 PM  
Anonymous Jane said...

Save meeee.....we are at the "slippery slope" stage and slidin' FAST.....

4/13/2006 7:34 PM  
Blogger queen of wt said...

As they say in my hometown, "Turn Out the Lights the Party's Over"! My younger daughter is at defcon 6. I hear there are some great CONVENTS for third graders...no really...just kidding. Most of the time.

4/13/2006 10:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My daughter is 13 months old and already has a purse. She kept grabbing mine, throwing it over her shoulder, and walking around with it. We are sooo gonna be in trouble when she gets older! She already screams at us when we tell her no.

4/14/2006 5:14 AM  
Anonymous Kim said...

Feeling glad I scored None so far. Of course my kid is kind of the nerd type.

4/14/2006 5:29 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I think you described me as a teenager. LOL. I can't wait (sarcasm) until my daughter is a teengager. LOL. 12 more years to go. Yay. LOL.

4/14/2006 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My daughter is now 18 and her head no longer spins around like she's possessed and she is actually starting (note, I said STARTING) to realize that I have always had her best interests at heart. It's taken a fabulous boyfriend (just like dad, I might add) to open her eyes. I still have a son to 'guide' through the teen years but I will never forget (nor will I ever be the same) my daughter's teen years. Oy!

4/15/2006 9:08 AM  
Blogger Sonia said...

I'm sooo there. My daughter will be the death of me, I can assure you.

4/15/2006 7:07 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...

I have an almost nine year old son and I've been dreading his teen years for a while with the same thoughts you had when your daughter was six. This, already? Ugh, I'm doomed!

4/18/2006 1:34 PM  
Blogger SistaSmiff said...

Pretty much my life...except you didn't mention Abercrombie!!! It's all about the Abercrombie ya know.

Mine hates it when I imitate the way she hollers "Mah-muuuuuuuuuh".

"I don't talk like that" she says. Oh yes she does.

4/19/2006 10:57 AM  
Blogger landismom said...

Yeah, I've got six going on thirteen over here. We go back and forth between, "You are the worst mother and I hate you!" and "I love you, mommy!"

My sense is that the thirteen year-old leaves off that last one.

4/20/2006 2:03 PM  
Blogger knightwriter said...

It doesn't help when they suddenly become taller then you either :-)
My youngest at 14 has been the most trying and yet I have hope knowing from experience with her two older siblings that eventually they come back to earth.

3/14/2007 8:30 PM  
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