Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Volunteer Gestapo GPS Devices

I thought I had successfully begun my assent from Volunteer Hell (see 2/17/06 post). I have been calmly counting the days until my LAST day of lunchroom duty (it's almost here - maybe I should wear a red hat or something?). And I do mean last. When someone calls me next year - or next week, for that matter - to ask if I will sub for them, I will simply say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That just won't work for me." Period. No other explanation. Zero. Zip. Nada. You see. I am a changed woman. At least that's what I thought - until the phone rang recently. It was my first real test of the new me. It was then that I discovered with horror that the Volunteer Gestapo from my daughter's new high school has already found me. How can this be? She won't even be there for four more months. Geez, do they have GPS devices for this sort of thing? Are homing pigeons circling about in my yard? Yet there it is. I am discovered. Here's how it went down... Phone rings. Me: Hello? Volunteer Gestapo: Hello, may I speak to Tacky Princess? Me: Speaking... VG: TP, this is Mary Margaret O'Malley from Darling Daughter's Future High School. Me: (fear, lacing through my veins) Gulp. Uh...yes? VG: You don't know me - - YET! (giggling...) But Mary Margaret O'Flaherty told me that you might be interested in what I'm doing. Me: (Oh, God, just shoot me now...) Oh, really? (I'm going to tar and feather MM O'F.) VG: Yes. She said that you and Mary Margaret O'Connor worked on a fundraiser last year and did a BEAUTIFUL job! Pause Me: (guess it's my turn again...) Uh huh... VG: Well, anyway, we're looking forward to next year's auction. And don't worry. We don't need a chair for the 2007 auction! Me: (still skeptical but temporarily ceasing to hyperventillate...) Okkkaaayy... VG: But like I said, we're looking ahead, and we need someone to SHADOW the chairwomen for the 2007 auction, so they can chair the 2008 auction! Me: (now incredulous) 2008 auction? (Did this chippee hit the vodka early today?) VG: RIGHT! You've got it! (with glee) I knew you'd be a quick learner! Me: So, MM, what is it that you're asking me? VG: Well, if you'll be the 2008 auction chair, of course!!! DEAD SILENCE (OK, my daughter does not even attend this school yet, and already they are asking me to take on their most important fundraiser. You have got to be kidding me. Am I missing something here? Do I have IDIOT written all over my face? When you look up "gullible" in Webster's, is my picture right there adjacent to the definition? Where have I gone so terribly wrong?) Me: Uh, MM, I don't know. I mean, my daughter doesn't even go to school there yet. VG: Oh, I know what you mean. Of course, that's why we're asking you for the 2008 auction. To give you time to get your feet wet. Me: (Well, I think I'd like time to get my suit on and drive to the pool first, ok?) Well, I don't know. I may have to call you back. VG: NO PROBLEM! And don't worry. We have loads of worker bees who sign up to do EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN. And you know, with a volunteer track record like yours, you'll just breeze through this. I know it! So, you'll give it some thought? Me: Yeah. (Ok, I'm done...) So, are you this year's chair? VG: (nervously) Oh, no. Um...that's Mary Margaret O'Dowd and Mary Margaret O'Dingaling. Me: So, you can really only do this if your name's Mary Margaret. Well, I guess that counts me out! VG: Oh, silly. You're not getting off the hook that easy. Me: So, what's your role, then? VG: Oh. Well...uhh...I'm just making phone calls. AHA! And therein lies the rub! Nobody who's already in the system is stupid enough to take this job. So, they have to resort to calling the newbies and turning the screws on us! Me: You know, MM. I really don't think I'm prepared to commit to this at this time. I really don't know what the next school year holds for me, so I think I'm going to have to take a pass this time around. VG: (audibly disturbed) But Tacky Princess, you'd be so great at it! Me: (smiling at my new-found resolve) MM, I've got to go. I think my mother's calling. Good luck to you, and have a super summer! Buh-bye! Toodle-ooh. Hasta la vista, baby! Sayonara! Ciao! So long, sucka! And that, my White Trash comrades, is how you dodge the Volunteer Gestapo's ticket to the gas chamber. Ba-da-bing. Ba-da-boom! But do watch out for those tricky volunteer GPS devices. I hadn't even heard about 'em!


Blogger ballerinamommy said...

Nice work, Tacky Princess! I will inventory all of you responses for when my little darlings hit school and I am accosted with the myriad of fundraisers.

4/26/2006 2:19 PM  
Blogger LLA said...

Excellent maneuvering!

We can all learn from you....

(but where were you when I got roped into being on next year's PTA board last week????)

4/26/2006 5:05 PM  
Blogger kim said...

I just stumbled across your page and i havent laughed this hard in ages. I feel much better about being the mom who doesnt show up to the PTA meetings and feeding the kids fast food twice a week ...ok 3 times if you count pizza!! Add me to the list of faithful readers :)

4/26/2006 6:08 PM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph-you think they'd at least let you pull into the parking lot befre they decend upon you. Good for you on standing your ground. I don't know just what I'll be doing two years from now, so I certainly wouldn't commit most of my waking hours to people I don't even know. Yikes.

4/26/2006 8:30 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Girl, you've got SKILLZ!!! LOL

4/27/2006 6:51 AM  
Blogger Sharpie said...


My standard answer is "I'm not a joiner" They have no idea how to respond to that!!

4/27/2006 9:28 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I swear the only way I got out of volunteering was by moving to another city. The schools here don't have the only volunteer position I enjoyed. Darn. I'll just have to suffer having all this extra time.

4/27/2006 9:33 AM  
Anonymous Kate the Shrew said...

Good for you, such resolve! I'll have to start praciticing now so I'll be ready in a few years when they start tracking me.

4/27/2006 10:05 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Good for you. I'm so happy my son is only 3! I'll have time to come up with some really good excuses.

4/27/2006 2:45 PM  
Blogger queen of wt said...

We must go over this in more detail before you go to the first mother's meeting. Remember what I told you---if you look kind of "creative" then the gestapo automatically checks you off the "committee head" list! Here is what you do---attend the first mother's meeting in the following attire: Fashionable but hip Tie Dye shirt, shabby chic but nice jeans, and a pair of Birkenstocks. Talk about your pottery alot or how you paint. You want to walk the line, however, you don't want the muffia to decide that you are an "outsider", as it will negatively impact your sweetpea. But if you dress just a little bit funky and perhaps wear glasses, you will NEVER be asked to do big jobs like auction chairman. If they think you are "one of the those creative types" then you get called to make signs and maybe do the school newsletter. It's beautiful. Been working for me for years. TRY IT!

4/28/2006 7:46 AM  
Anonymous btard said...

This is retardedly funny, damn made me over come my ADD temporarily to read through the entire conversation.

5/04/2006 3:36 PM  
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