Sunday, November 20, 2005

Raise Your Glass, and Repeat After Me...

It's 3 AM Saturday night, and I am sitting at my computer, thinking of all of you. (Don't you feel special?) Imitrex for last night's migraine has worn off, and now I can't sleep. No, I'm not one of those superwomen who springs out of bed, elated with the extra time this is giving me. It's more like, "Well, guess I'll drag my insomniac a** out of bed see if I can do something to actually make myself tired enough to garner the bliss of sleeping once more." I do have to say, though, that it's kind of nice at this hour. No rug rats hounding me. No dog, whining for my attention (doesn't know I'm up!). No phone interruptions. Kind of peaceful, really. So many ideas have been running through my head - - what to talk about next? Well, first, I must speak to Queen of WT's post re: PBKids' Laura - Pres - mother of 3. May I just say here, "Right on, Queen!" Leave it to the multi-millionaires to preach to us out in the trenches how to enjoy our holiday season, all while maintaining the perfect life, hair that's nary a strand out of place and House Beautiful all of the time. Making a mental note to have my gal call her gal to set her straight. HA! Though I confess to still enjoying the holidays, I must also say that the mere thought of lugging the 90 pounds of holiday garb up from the depths of the basement is more than a bit daunting. And while I do enjoy certain aspects of decorating with said garb (I'll have to get back to you on what those are...), I have come to dread the activity a little more each year. So, let's just make a little pact here, shall we? WTM's, raise your glasses and repeat after me... I, WTM and damn proud of it, do solemnly swear that this holiday season I will NOT, under any circumstances:
  • Find it necessary to plaster every square inch of wall space with "Santa Is Coming" motif decor.
  • String cranberries by hand for my tree. I will respect my fingers and therefore not poke them repeatedly with a needle doing this needless activity.
  • Guilt myself into individually hand crafting little trinkets for every Jane, Jan and Jackie that I have ever known (c'mon, you guilt-ridden crafters know who you are...).
  • Put up that God awful decoration my friend gave me last year, just because she gave it to me and I don't want to hurt feelings. Yes, I hereby give myself the permission to accidentally pass that along to some other poor soul. (Don't you just love re-gifting?)
  • Buy my kids even close to everything on their lists...(Is your glass still raised?)

Just so we're clear here, these are things WE WILL NOT DO, even though it may make us squirm, sweat and slobber not to.

Moving right along...(raise that glass again, WTM's!)...I will NOT:

  • Flit from one party to the next, in an effort to make an appearance at everyone's, regardless of whether I want to go. I hereby give myself permission to politely decline an invitation - and without the 30 minute explanation, "Well, see, my cat died and my best holiday sweater got eggnog on it last year, and I'm really having a bad hair day. Oh! And little Jimmy isn't feeling so hot after eating all that crap at his holiday party and barfing at school today." A simple, "Thank you so much for thinking of us, but we won't be able to make it this time" will suffice. Practice it before you call.
  • Require myself to have a different outfit for every holiday event I do attend, just in case I see any of the same people. If my friends judge me by the extent of my wardrobe, they're no longer my friends. Period.
  • Ever purchase (again?) a sweater with Frosty, Rudolph or Santa riding his sleigh on it. At the risk of getting hit with a massive rockstorm, WTM's, these little gems have seen their day (and it was dark), and it's time to moveon.com.

Finally, let me just say this...If you have to ask yourself: "Is this over the top?", then it probably is. Let's preserve just a bit of our sanity this year.

Is your glass still raised? OK, now repeat after me (this is the last one, I promise!):

"I am a White Trash Mom and proud to be one. This holiday season, I vow to stay sane by following the steps above. I know that I can do it. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And by golly, people like me!"

Now sit down, kick your feet up, down whatever it is that's in your glass (milk, eggnog, hot toddy, cosmo, vino, screaming orgasm - oops, sorry, you're probably at home, not a tavern..., cocoa, cider), and take a break. All those pre-holiday resolutions have probably made you tired. Toss back a few bon bon's. Back to bed for me! Thanks for the warm glass of milk effect! Who needs therapy when we've go each other?!

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love your site. And suart smalley, so it seems to be a perfect combo!

11/20/2005 5:16 PM  
Anonymous Nilla said...

You forgot to "not wear any outfit that looks like I was holding a confetti grenade while getting dressed".

11/20/2005 7:34 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Here, here!!! Well said! These posts are why I love this blog. Real women, behaving as real women should! - Martha Stewert, be gone! Before someone drops a house on you! That goes for you too, Lisa of Potty Barn!

11/21/2005 10:06 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Or is it "Hear, hear!"? Tricky.

11/21/2005 10:36 AM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

"Bottoms up!" I am still holding my tacky glass of white zin!

11/21/2005 10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

handy tip for moms with little toddlers. use the playpen to put the tree in this year, it keeps the kiddies from undecorating and perhaps eating tinsel and leaving you a surprise in their diapers!

11/21/2005 10:53 AM  
Blogger ballerinamommy said...

Good tip, anon 10:53!

So if we make these promises to ourselves, WTM, will Christmas be fun again????? The thought of bringing out my holiday decorations makes me want to drink. Heavily.

11/21/2005 11:15 AM  
Blogger Crazy Lady said...

I raised my glass. Or mug of tea anyway. We will be having a great season without the added hubbub!

11/21/2005 4:43 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Raising my martini saying, RIGHT ON WTM!

11/21/2005 6:29 PM  
Blogger Jackie said...

Excellent. I think we all should also resolve to "Not worry about doing perfect wrapping paper jobs with perfect bows and ribbons, etc."

It is good enough to have wrapped it in some red paper or comics and saved it in our closets until "Santa" comes, right?

11/21/2005 6:35 PM  
Blogger Badoozie said...

all mom's must go to costco, and buy the stackable boxes, and the large package of gift bags, and never, never wrap again. its all inside. just waiting, that is if you have that store, where ever it is you're broadcasting from. and no need to make cookies anymore, just buy the tub of dough, and there you go. my glass has soy milk in it, i hope thats okay.

11/21/2005 10:18 PM  
Blogger Kelly Love said...

Oh how I hate the holiday themed sweater...I finally got my mom to stop giving them to me as a "pre-holiday gift." Next mission: get her to stop WEARING them. They're so....so....Wal-Mart.

11/22/2005 9:49 AM  
Anonymous Samantha said...

Are WT moms allowed to refuse to contribute huge $$$ to group gifts for their kids' teachers? Cause yesterday I put my foot down and told the Muffia who has assumed responsibility for my son's daycare class that her "suggested amount" for each teahcer was out of my budget. I think I may have started a whole revolution at the school, but now my kids and I will be pariahs forever. WT mom and princess, help!

11/22/2005 5:36 PM  

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