Tuesday, October 25, 2005

When Coffee Was Just Coffee & Exercise Was Just Exercise

So, I'm out for my morning run when...no wait, that's some other mom. Let's start over. So, I drop my daughter off at her volleyball match and sweetly call out, "I'll be in there in a minute!" Then, it's the mad dash for coffee. I race over to the closest coffee joint to get my morning fix. The line is nearly out the door - at least fifteen people in front of me. I am not deterred. I slide in behind two ladies who obviously ran into each other in line after not having seen each other for some time. The conversation that ensued was (in my ever so humble WTM opinion) of mythic proportion. I'll try to do it justice here. First, I have to lay out the scene. Seven-thirty a.m. on a freakin' Saturday. Assorted people in an upscale coffee joint, many of the ones in line shaking uncontrollably from the caffeine withdrawal. Are you following me so far? Many dressed in exercise clothes. Like they hopped right out of their spinning class and into their Volvo Wagons and sped over to the coffee place (please, God, kill me now...). The two ladies in front of me, however, appeared to be...how to put it delicately...more granola, let's just say. Down to earth. Ah, but were they wolves (can you say...Muffia?) in sheep's clothing! How naive I was! And I quote... Thing 1: "So, what have you been up to?" Thing 2: "Oh, you know, the same. Pilates. Yoga. Just keeping busy." Thing 1: "Yeah, me, too. Don't you just love Pilates? It makes me feel so ALIVE!" (Here, I nearly have to leave the line...) Thing 2: "Oh, I SO know what you mean! How about swimming? Are you still doing that?" Thing 1: "Well, swimming is good, I guess, you know, cardiovascularly and all. But it just doesn't work on your CORE like Yoga, you know? I just love how Yoga really gets your CORE. (Here, she doubles over somewhat, while pressing into her stomach for emphasis.) Thing 2: " Sure, sure..." Coffee Person: "May I help you?" Thing 1: Visibly flustered... "Oh! Oh! Gosh! Let's see... (keep in mind, it's been like ten minutes by now...)." Looking at the menu and suddenly seeming to find exactly what she was looking for... "Oh! Yes! I'd like a Grande Triple Soy Latte, one-half inch of foam...150 degrees... (Here it comes. Are you ready? Brace yourself!) Not Too Hot! My name's Janet." Coffee Person: (Without batting an eye) Sure. The convo between the two women resumes at full speed, but I'm still reeling from the order. Coffee Person: Triple Soy Latte, half an inch of foam, 150 degrees, not too hot, for Janet. Thing 1: (Tapping the cup on the counter and then inspecting the contents...) Oh, I'm sorry, could you add some more soy? It's a little low. Coffee Person: (With just the slighest hint of malice in her voice) Sure. And ma'am, what can we get for you? WTM: "I'd like a triple sow cow with a rum raisin chaser, please," I hear myself saying. Coffee Person: (now blinking) I'm sorry. What did you say? (OK - like I'm the weird one, here?) WTM: Oh! Sorry. A large latte, please. Whatever temperature you'd like. Does anyone remember the days when coffee was just coffee and exercise was just exercise? Gotta' run. I gotta' see if I can, umm, find my CORE! And like the Queen of WT says, if you can't find something nice to say, just come sit by me! Maybe we can locate our CORE's together!

22 Comments:

Blogger Cinnamon said...

Ummm, don't we each need a flashlight and a hand mirror for that?

10/26/2005 12:41 PM  
Anonymous hydrogeek said...

That. That is why I DO NOT go into a Starbucks. EVAH.

10/26/2005 1:24 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I know we've left off baking for a bit, but I came across this.

Cat Box Cake.
http://makeyourturdshere.blogspot.com/

I would imagine this would give the Muffia and aneurysm.

10/26/2005 1:46 PM  
Blogger momazon said...

you've stumbled on the reason I like the coffee "bar" at 7-11. No crap, just java.

Thanks for the reality check, wtm.

10/26/2005 2:07 PM  
Blogger tacky princess said...

OMG, Cat Box Cake. So disgusting, yet so absolutely hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

10/26/2005 2:11 PM  
Anonymous sue said...

a morning without coffee is like sleep

10/26/2005 2:48 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh God...I have fallen into the Vente Skim Vanilla Cafe Latte with 3 extra shots of espresson adding "Yes I know that's 5 shots of espresso" before the barista can ask me if I know what the hell I am doing!!!

Somebody, get me to Latte's Anonymous quick...I am powerless over Latte's and my life has become unmanagable.

Rock On WTM!
RB

10/26/2005 4:15 PM  
Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Latte isn't a word in my world. Come to think of it, neither is pilate. I think the yuppies from the '80's made that shit up. Don't fall into their trap!

10/27/2005 5:16 AM  
Anonymous Nilla said...

GAG. BARF. or, as they would say "VOMIT".

ACK.

I order a Expresso Mocha. Whip cream, hold the moron.

10/27/2005 7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So glad to see you're back. I was starting to have withdrawal symptoms myself...not getting my blog fix and all. Thought the Muffia'd finally got their talons on you. :)

10/27/2005 12:00 PM  
Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I don't think I have a core. Or that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. B/c my "exercise" is the the bi-weekly running of the laundry down to the laundry room. At least I don't have to deal with the muffia there.

10/27/2005 12:37 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Too funny, but all to familiar as well.

10/27/2005 5:22 PM  
Anonymous jaqz said...

pfft.
you do know the only reason you have to write this is coz they're soooo much better than you and you just. can't. cope.
i think you need more soy, dear!

10/27/2005 8:16 PM  
Blogger mabess said...

I love you. What more can I say?

10/28/2005 7:48 AM  
Anonymous fairmaiden said...

since it's probably not money they spent their time making anyway, spending $4-5 each day on coffee wouldn't matter anyway, would it?

that's approximately $1642.50 each year on COFFEE FOR ONE, and on weekends it's steamers and cider for the kiddos, pluce whatever muffins and cookies they demand to have. EEEEKKKK!!!!!! that could make at least a small dent in muffy's credit card bill. skip/biff ought to do the math.

10/28/2005 8:47 AM  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

dammy wtm, just do wot i do in the morning chug a cherry coke™ then ya dun have 2 run into scum!

10/28/2005 3:04 PM  
Blogger tresjeni said...

That is why the Goddess invented drive-thru espresso....I CANNOT tolerate those women:(- If they only knew!!!! I used to work as a fine dining server and had to put up with that then, now as a nurse I politely smile at them,and I am sooooo thankful I don't have to have their leaching husbands flirting with me for my wages any more....I just do my job quickly and get the hell away from them. But my fave is when I catch them lying about their weights:) They aren't as perfect as they wish...I love it.

10/28/2005 10:43 PM  
Anonymous Kelli said...

Can anyone explain to me this new coffee temperature obsession? i was in starbucks today and people were asking for specific temps of like 150 degrees, etc. i thought coffee only came hot

10/29/2005 12:58 PM  
Blogger D said...

Ordering a triple venti lowfat soy extra sweet mocha hazelnut latte keeps me away from every cofee shop in town. I just want a cup of coffee, 3 sugars, hazelnut or irish creme creamer please.

Save me a seat.

10/30/2005 7:51 AM  
Anonymous Misty said...

Hey, where you ever able to find the Ms Minnesota costume for your kid?

10/30/2005 3:53 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I've been in your shoes... Or in back of those two women before. Only they were talking about what they would put in their CHRISTMAS letters that they mail to family and friends. OH. DEAR. GOD.

But Starbucks is so good. SO I try to tun them out and be all zen and think about rainbows or what I'll do the next time I dump the boy off in Children's Day Out.....

10/31/2005 8:20 AM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

That coffee story mirrors my life this year. Save me please. I'm stuck in an apt. complex in the middle of upper middle class hell, you know with 3 acre homesteads and golfcourses and Hummers all around. I am a Latina freelance writer from the barrio (is that equal to WT? Lol) stuck with lots of uhm, dumb rich fake blondes with fake tans.... sigh.

11/02/2005 12:31 PM  

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